Looking for {my own} lovely: Almost 2 months later

So...I didn't actually abandon this. But it never happened either.

About a week after my last post, I began writing a post...but it felt contrived. My heart was genuine in the loveliness that I saw in this particular subject but I couldn't get my words around it. It didn't feel real.

And then my personal life took a small nose dive. Nothing major...just my own "Jenn-ness".

As August was creeping to a close, I began to realize that it was time for a break, a reprieve, a recess. I was overwhelmed with nothing in my life that should be overwhelming. I was tired. I was soul-weary. I was dragging.

And so, on the last day of August, I told my BFF that I was thinking of taking a break from Facebook & Instagram for September. She said "I want to!" And we made a pact to take a break. I will NOT point out that we were eating lunch together just 2 days later and she asked me if I had seen something on Facebook (which to be fair I really hate I had missed) and I quietly replied "I'm not on Facebook right now", to which she exclaimed "OH YEAH, I'm not supposed to be either."

Sometimes Facebook is loud. Do you know what I mean? I'm not talking about actual volume but in my own processing of Facebook, it's a lot like standing in a crowded room with 100 different conversations going on, between people who all have very firm opinions on every subject known to man,  35 random convos that have nothing to do with anything else, and a bazillion people commenting on every.little.thing. And if you have ever been in a conversation with me in which there is another conversation going on very closely to me, sometimes my attention is trying to be in both places at once, which means I'm not paying attention to the first conversation and, usually, I really don't have any business being in the second conversation either.

That's what Facebook is like for me. I can only handle it so long before I have to physically remove myself and get quiet.

**And by the time I actually post this ON Facebook, it will be MORE than two months since my last post. Details, details.

So, here's the short list of the lovely moments that I've had over the past almost 2 months:

- I helped my best friends move into what we are calling their "tiny house". It's not a tiny house in the way that we now think of tiny houses - they can't hook it to their truck and haul it around the world. They aren't sleeping in a loft that's over their living room/kitchen/eating area that is all three in one. But it is about half the size of their former house with one less bathroom and two less bedrooms. And its cozy and sweet and right next door to her sister's house. Oh yeah...and her mom's grandmother lived there, as well as her dad's mother. So there's history for her there as well.

 - I spent an afternoon with my youth small group girls at Barnes and Noble. Finding "book-ish" teenagers is not always easy but we have a few and we all loved looking through the books, making suggestions for each other, and finding small treasures to take home. I went with the mindset that I was NOT buying any more books...but I did. 20% off is hard to pass up. ;)

- Ayden, my nephew, started the fall baseball season. He's now moved up to kid pitch and its been slow as their team adjusts; but they've had some good showings and I think in the Spring their hard work will pay off.

 - Ayden & I also had a sleepover. We watched movies, Spongebob, he played with Legos, & we made a cake. It's been a while since I had someone to entertain and we both enjoyed the time together.

- Last weekend I went to the wedding of one of my former youth girls, Karlee. It was such a sweet weekend that didn't go even a little bit as planned. Her wedding was planned for an outdoor venue but a hurricane decided to show up...and everything had to be adjusted and rearranged. The end result was beautiful and although I know it wasn't exactly the day she had envisioned when she was first engaged, I believe it ended up just perfect.

The point of "looking for lovely" is not just to find the lovely moments, but to see where God is in those moments. So here goes:

 - I believe for some time God has been orchestrating this move for my best friends. In small ways, I believe He's been preparing them, even though none of us really saw it coming until it happened. The house was empty...her sister is pregnant with baby #2...and just seeing how happy they have been in their new "tiny house" - I totally see God all over that move.

 - My youth girls, as well as all of our youth, teach me so much about God. I'm the teacher but I swear they teach me more. I love seeing God through their eyes.

 - Ayden is the sweetest of all 8-year-old-almost-9-year-old boys. He's so loving and snuggly and huggy. He is much more touchy/feely than Dylan or Alyson were. He is passionate about baseball and the mechanics...and he has an incredible understanding of how the game works and what he needs to do to be his best at the sport. He works hard, plays hard, loves hard. He is my heart child in so many ways. God knew that our family was going to need this person in our family life.

 - I could write an entire blog post about how I've seen God in Karlee's life. Just know that God is all over her life and now her marriage. I've loved watching her story unfold and can't wait to see what God has next for this girl.

I hope it won't be another two months before I'm in this place again. There are things that I would like to say I saw happen over the past two months...but they didn't pan out like *I* thought they should. I know they are all in God's hands, but waiting to see how He is going to move has been excruciating.

So, for now...I'm just waiting and hoping. And constantly looking for the lovely in my own life.

Looking for {my own} Lovely: Adoption

OK...so this is what happens when I write and then post as soon as I finish...I forget all the things. So I'm adding a post script (aka P.S.) to my last post. If you haven't read it yet, you might want to start there and then come back here.

P.S. Before I even turned the last page in Looking for Lovely I purchased a copy from Amazon. Because I knew I was going to need it in my life and I was going to need to read it over and over and over again. And because I need to let some people borrow it. Or I'm going to force some people to read it.

P.P.S. I know I said I wasn't trying to rip off Annie F. Downs...but I totally am. So, Annie...if you ever find yourself reading my piddly blog, please know that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

P.P.P.S. In my post, I mentioned that I started walking April 2nd and I want to clear this up for you folks living in NC. I am not walking at that little park near my work right now. Because highs in the 90's + 1000% humidity are not my thing. But I plan to return once the temps and the humidity lower a bit.

Now that I have that all out of the way...

I have been watching an adoption unfold on Instagram and it has been the loveliest of stories. Sometime after I returned from my first mission trip to Armenia, I stumbled upon an Instagram account that I fell in love with. I literally spent the next 2 hours looking at every post, reading every caption, crying over sweet babes that had been abandoned and given hope. Sometimes their happy ever after story was found here on earth...sometimes in the arms of Jesus. Watching these little lives come and go has been such a bittersweet and beautiful journey. I've laughed...I've cried...I've sat in awe at the stories that God has woven together. Truly amazing.

I don't know when Toby arrived at Morning Star...it seems that he has been there forever. A tiny warrior with a broken heart, both physically and emotionally. He was declared "inoperable" by Chinese standards...so a team from America came and gave hope to this sweet boy. He is brother to Theo and Chara and all of the other babies at Morning Star. And over the last 2 weeks or so, I've watched his story change as he has gone from abandoned and orphaned to loved and wanted and adored. The truly amazing part is that I've been able to see both sides - from the side of those who are releasing him into the arms of a loving adoptive family and from the side of that loving adoptive family receiving him into their family. Forever theirs.

And it has been beautiful. And heart breaking. All at the same time.

Because while he has gained a forever family to care for him and to love him, he leaves behind the only true family he has known in his little life. Brothers and sisters and Ayi's and Meredith's...people who are not biological family any more than his adoptive family, but family nonetheless.

I have always loved the picture that adoption paints. People choosing to love a child forever...not because biology says they must, but because they want to. I know people on all sides of adoption...and no matter what, the story always contains loss and gain. Love and heartache. Beauty and sadness. Release and redemption. A picture of God's release of His Son Jesus to be our redemption. The choice on both sides to allow one who didn't belong, who was abandoned, who had no claim to be a part of a family to become completely a part of a new family...to belong and to be loved.

I don't deserve God's love, grace, kindness, redemption...but I've received it. I received it because I believed and I chose to accept all of these things...knowing they weren't what I deserved but what God wanted to me to have.

And that is a lovely picture to behold.