Next Steps

I am not a crier by nature...although I've found myself to be "weepier" over the past few years of my life.  My BFF calls me a closet crier...she says she knows I cry...I just don't do it as openly and often as she does. ;)

Every morning I receive a devotional from Proverbs 31 Ministries...they are quick reads and almost always very timely.  The one I received this morning was no exception. The title..."Where Your Tears Go".  The lady writing spoke of how she was a crier...and she wrote about crying as she dropped her daughter off at college.

I'll admit...I teared up.

Monday begins Dylan's last chapter in school.  Senior year is here.  It's been a struggle trying to wrap my mind around this.  How can it be that he has reached this year?  It's not been long enough...he's not old enough...it's not time yet.

Yet...the calendar does not lie.  Dylan has finished the prerequisite 12 years of schooling leading up to the Senior year...he's done well even.  He is seventeen years old...and it is indeed time for him to begin Senior year.

And...it's killing me.

I'm so excited for him...so proud of him.  He's done so well...I would say he's worked hard, but really...he's one of those kids who doesn't work hard, but still gets good grades (it's sickening).  I even had one of his teachers tell me that towards the end of last year - she mentioned hoping she would be able to challenge him in his next AP class with her...she seemed dubious about the prospect...

But, there is a part of me that is just not ready to let go.  I've spent a lot of time this summer by myself.  Dylan was in Florida for two weeks...spent another week at the beach fishing...and between all of his summer "activities"...he has spent very little time at home.  And while I don't really mind him being gone...I don't worry that he's up to no good...there is a part of me that has already fast forwarded to August of 2014 and is not ready for the prospect of many weeks on my own.  I know there are some who have perfected this and enjoy the "on your own" life...but my whole world has been wrapped around this kid for the past 17 years...

So, I'm feeling a bit lost these days.

I know I should take each moment...live day to day...and I'm working really hard to do that...

But my mind can't help but look to the future and see the long stretch ahead of me.

Of course, I have no idea what God has planned for this next year...and I'm just clinging to the promise and the hope that He has a great plan for me. 

Right now, though, I'm just trying to work through the next steps...