Ordinary Sunday

This past Sunday started as almost every Sunday does...I woke up, showered, began the process of readying myself for church. Usually on Sunday mornings, I do everything I need to do in the bathroom short of drying my hair before I take the dogs out and wake up Dylan. For whatever reason this Sunday, I took the dogs out before I finished up in the bathroom.

The morning was dark still, because its the time of year where our days are starting to shorten. The clouds, however, were giving evidence that the sun would be up soon. They were tinged with pink and you could see the light starting to make its way over the horizon. It was uncharacteristically quiet - the only thing I heard was early morning animal sounds and the rooster that lives on the farm in my neighborhood. While the dogs did their thing, I prayed. I couldn't tell you everything I prayed for, but I know that a common theme in ALL of my prayers at this point in my life is for God's guidance...so I feel confident that came up.

The morning went along as normal...coffee, breakfast, convincing Muddy that she should eat. We get to church pretty early so that Dylan can prepare for the morning service - turning on projectors, checking batteries, making sure that lyrics are ready. I didn't have to sing on the Praise Team; so I sat & read Let's All Be Brave by Annie F. Downs. And I thought she ended the book on Isaiah 41:10 but I flipped back to the end of the book just yesterday and didn't see it there. But I know that it's there. Just not quite where I thought...but that's OK...and this will be important in a moment.

During the Worship hour, I was in the Clubhouse (our Children's ministry) in the preschool class. Despite being thrown in there last minute, it went well. Thankfully, we only had one kid...so that also made things a little easier.

Between Worship & Connect Groups, I sought out Ashley because I needed to give her a book. I don't know how we got to it, but she was sharing the things that had happened over the weekend for her, which were pretty phenomenal God things. That's her story, though. And then I went to Connect Groups with our Youth. We were all pretty quiet in our group.

This all seems mundane and ordinary...I know. But that's what I want you to see. Nothing significant happened. Nothing out of the ordinary. No one said something to me out of turn. It was just a day.

But by the end of Connect Groups I was feeling down. I don't know when or where or why it happened. I could point to the fact that I was tired...and maybe that's just where my energy zapped out. It became cold & rainy while I was at church...maybe that contributed. No matter what, I had found the low spot...and that's important to know as well.

After lunch with friends, I went home to nap - my favorite Sunday afternoon pastime. When I woke up, I didn't feel better. I didn't feel less tired or less down. Finally I decided to go to the grocery store so I didn't have to on Monday evening. On my way, I decided to stop at Starbucks because I had a free coffee.

While I was driving, I was thinking. Thinking about why I was feeling down...what may have caused this dip in my emotions. I was thinking about podcasts and the podcast that I keep going back to in my mind. It was (of course) on Annie F. Downs' podcast. Her guests were a couple that were her campus ministers when she was in college. I don't remember all that they talked about but I remember it being a good conversation. It was right in a string of her podcasts that were all just hitting my heart pretty hard. And at the end of this one, she asked the man to pray over her listeners. I bawled. It was as if he was praying for me and for me only. I have no idea how to describe it but I was listening to a pre-recorded prayer that was holy and everything I needed to hear in my heart. Again, I couldn't tell you the words he prayed, but they were for me if for no one else.

And that got me to thinking about pain and what it does to you when someone sees your pain. I thought about how our natural instinct is to cover the pain...like when a little kid gets hurt & the first thing they do is grab the place where the pain is. Sometimes you have to peel back fingers to see where the hurt is. I don't know why this is our natural reaction...but I know we do the same thing when it comes to emotional pain. We cover the hurt and grip hard, hoping that no one will see it. And then, inevitably, someone peels back the layers until they see the hurt. Sometimes, the moments when I believe God intercedes so perfectly (as is His way), people see your pain even when you think it's completely hidden. For me, those times...those have been the most heart wrenching and beautiful times. Because even though your brain says "hide the pain", your heart longs for someone to see the pain. Healing cannot begin until the hurt is exposed. And sometimes the healing hurts almost as bad or more than whatever caused the pain in the first place.

All of this thinking happened between my house & Starbucks. And as I was travelling back down the road, I passed a church and on their sign was the following scripture:

Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:10. Only on one side of the sign. If I had gone back in 10 minutes and that wasn't on there anymore, it wouldn't have surprised me at all. Because in that very moment when I looked up and saw "Fear not"...I knew God had placed that message there just.for.me. The tears began to roll and as I attempted to sip my coffee around the HUGE knot in my throat, I whispered aloud..."OK, God...I get it...You see me...You see my pain."

"That's the thing about pain...it demands to be felt."
 ~The Fault in Our Stars, John Green 

Looking for {my own} lovely: Almost 2 months later

So...I didn't actually abandon this. But it never happened either.

About a week after my last post, I began writing a post...but it felt contrived. My heart was genuine in the loveliness that I saw in this particular subject but I couldn't get my words around it. It didn't feel real.

And then my personal life took a small nose dive. Nothing major...just my own "Jenn-ness".

As August was creeping to a close, I began to realize that it was time for a break, a reprieve, a recess. I was overwhelmed with nothing in my life that should be overwhelming. I was tired. I was soul-weary. I was dragging.

And so, on the last day of August, I told my BFF that I was thinking of taking a break from Facebook & Instagram for September. She said "I want to!" And we made a pact to take a break. I will NOT point out that we were eating lunch together just 2 days later and she asked me if I had seen something on Facebook (which to be fair I really hate I had missed) and I quietly replied "I'm not on Facebook right now", to which she exclaimed "OH YEAH, I'm not supposed to be either."

Sometimes Facebook is loud. Do you know what I mean? I'm not talking about actual volume but in my own processing of Facebook, it's a lot like standing in a crowded room with 100 different conversations going on, between people who all have very firm opinions on every subject known to man,  35 random convos that have nothing to do with anything else, and a bazillion people commenting on every.little.thing. And if you have ever been in a conversation with me in which there is another conversation going on very closely to me, sometimes my attention is trying to be in both places at once, which means I'm not paying attention to the first conversation and, usually, I really don't have any business being in the second conversation either.

That's what Facebook is like for me. I can only handle it so long before I have to physically remove myself and get quiet.

**And by the time I actually post this ON Facebook, it will be MORE than two months since my last post. Details, details.

So, here's the short list of the lovely moments that I've had over the past almost 2 months:

- I helped my best friends move into what we are calling their "tiny house". It's not a tiny house in the way that we now think of tiny houses - they can't hook it to their truck and haul it around the world. They aren't sleeping in a loft that's over their living room/kitchen/eating area that is all three in one. But it is about half the size of their former house with one less bathroom and two less bedrooms. And its cozy and sweet and right next door to her sister's house. Oh yeah...and her mom's grandmother lived there, as well as her dad's mother. So there's history for her there as well.

 - I spent an afternoon with my youth small group girls at Barnes and Noble. Finding "book-ish" teenagers is not always easy but we have a few and we all loved looking through the books, making suggestions for each other, and finding small treasures to take home. I went with the mindset that I was NOT buying any more books...but I did. 20% off is hard to pass up. ;)

- Ayden, my nephew, started the fall baseball season. He's now moved up to kid pitch and its been slow as their team adjusts; but they've had some good showings and I think in the Spring their hard work will pay off.

 - Ayden & I also had a sleepover. We watched movies, Spongebob, he played with Legos, & we made a cake. It's been a while since I had someone to entertain and we both enjoyed the time together.

- Last weekend I went to the wedding of one of my former youth girls, Karlee. It was such a sweet weekend that didn't go even a little bit as planned. Her wedding was planned for an outdoor venue but a hurricane decided to show up...and everything had to be adjusted and rearranged. The end result was beautiful and although I know it wasn't exactly the day she had envisioned when she was first engaged, I believe it ended up just perfect.

The point of "looking for lovely" is not just to find the lovely moments, but to see where God is in those moments. So here goes:

 - I believe for some time God has been orchestrating this move for my best friends. In small ways, I believe He's been preparing them, even though none of us really saw it coming until it happened. The house was empty...her sister is pregnant with baby #2...and just seeing how happy they have been in their new "tiny house" - I totally see God all over that move.

 - My youth girls, as well as all of our youth, teach me so much about God. I'm the teacher but I swear they teach me more. I love seeing God through their eyes.

 - Ayden is the sweetest of all 8-year-old-almost-9-year-old boys. He's so loving and snuggly and huggy. He is much more touchy/feely than Dylan or Alyson were. He is passionate about baseball and the mechanics...and he has an incredible understanding of how the game works and what he needs to do to be his best at the sport. He works hard, plays hard, loves hard. He is my heart child in so many ways. God knew that our family was going to need this person in our family life.

 - I could write an entire blog post about how I've seen God in Karlee's life. Just know that God is all over her life and now her marriage. I've loved watching her story unfold and can't wait to see what God has next for this girl.

I hope it won't be another two months before I'm in this place again. There are things that I would like to say I saw happen over the past two months...but they didn't pan out like *I* thought they should. I know they are all in God's hands, but waiting to see how He is going to move has been excruciating.

So, for now...I'm just waiting and hoping. And constantly looking for the lovely in my own life.

Looking for {my own} Lovely: Adoption

OK...so this is what happens when I write and then post as soon as I finish...I forget all the things. So I'm adding a post script (aka P.S.) to my last post. If you haven't read it yet, you might want to start there and then come back here.

P.S. Before I even turned the last page in Looking for Lovely I purchased a copy from Amazon. Because I knew I was going to need it in my life and I was going to need to read it over and over and over again. And because I need to let some people borrow it. Or I'm going to force some people to read it.

P.P.S. I know I said I wasn't trying to rip off Annie F. Downs...but I totally am. So, Annie...if you ever find yourself reading my piddly blog, please know that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

P.P.P.S. In my post, I mentioned that I started walking April 2nd and I want to clear this up for you folks living in NC. I am not walking at that little park near my work right now. Because highs in the 90's + 1000% humidity are not my thing. But I plan to return once the temps and the humidity lower a bit.

Now that I have that all out of the way...

I have been watching an adoption unfold on Instagram and it has been the loveliest of stories. Sometime after I returned from my first mission trip to Armenia, I stumbled upon an Instagram account that I fell in love with. I literally spent the next 2 hours looking at every post, reading every caption, crying over sweet babes that had been abandoned and given hope. Sometimes their happy ever after story was found here on earth...sometimes in the arms of Jesus. Watching these little lives come and go has been such a bittersweet and beautiful journey. I've laughed...I've cried...I've sat in awe at the stories that God has woven together. Truly amazing.

I don't know when Toby arrived at Morning Star...it seems that he has been there forever. A tiny warrior with a broken heart, both physically and emotionally. He was declared "inoperable" by Chinese standards...so a team from America came and gave hope to this sweet boy. He is brother to Theo and Chara and all of the other babies at Morning Star. And over the last 2 weeks or so, I've watched his story change as he has gone from abandoned and orphaned to loved and wanted and adored. The truly amazing part is that I've been able to see both sides - from the side of those who are releasing him into the arms of a loving adoptive family and from the side of that loving adoptive family receiving him into their family. Forever theirs.

And it has been beautiful. And heart breaking. All at the same time.

Because while he has gained a forever family to care for him and to love him, he leaves behind the only true family he has known in his little life. Brothers and sisters and Ayi's and Meredith's...people who are not biological family any more than his adoptive family, but family nonetheless.

I have always loved the picture that adoption paints. People choosing to love a child forever...not because biology says they must, but because they want to. I know people on all sides of adoption...and no matter what, the story always contains loss and gain. Love and heartache. Beauty and sadness. Release and redemption. A picture of God's release of His Son Jesus to be our redemption. The choice on both sides to allow one who didn't belong, who was abandoned, who had no claim to be a part of a family to become completely a part of a new family...to belong and to be loved.

I don't deserve God's love, grace, kindness, redemption...but I've received it. I received it because I believed and I chose to accept all of these things...knowing they weren't what I deserved but what God wanted to me to have.

And that is a lovely picture to behold.

Looking for {my own} lovely

I haven't been in this space for a while...evidently since Christmas. But I should be. Because I have a lot of words swirling around in my brain that need to come out.

Several months ago, April 2nd to be exact, I started walking at lunch. There's a little park very close to my office that has a really nice walking trail. And very few people are there during the day. While I was walking, I began listening to podcasts. I put out a call on Facebook for some podcast suggestions and one that I really enjoy is Relevant podcast. I've always enjoyed what one of my former co-workers & I refer to as "mindless banter" (also a nod to a line Julia Roberts says in Notting Hill) and that's what this feels like to me. I mean it's not completely mindless...but there can be some of that. Take for instance one of their episodes from last week. It was almost 30 minutes of two of the hosts sharing an experience they had at the David Copperfield show in Las Vegas. It was greatness.

At any rate, one of the hosts is Annie F. Downs, who also has her own podcast. So, I started listening to hers as well. And I have found my new virtual BFF. I love her Instagram and her words, both spoken and written. Her podcasts have made me come face to face with some things that I've been struggling with. It's been good and hard and so wonderful to my heart and soul.

She just recently (like within the last year or so) published a 100-day devotional called 100 Days to Brave. I picked it up in May and have been participating in 100 Days to Brave Summer (as she has dubbed it). It's been good and hard and so wonderful for my heart and soul.

I decided I wanted to read one of her books; so I checked the library and I believe the only one they had was Looking for Lovely. I requested it...it came...I started it on Friday and finished it Sunday afternoon.

And it was good and hard and wonderful for my heart and soul as well.

**Also, I WEPT through the first section as she described her descent into "the broken crazy" because it felt familiar and maybe hit a little too close to home.**

The takeaway that I got from the book was that when she began to look for God in everything, not just the "super spiritual", she began to have a perspective shift. As Christians, we have so often put God into the box that says He can only work through quote unquote spiritual songs, books, etc. That the only words He ever gave come in the Bible. Now hear me say...He is SO there. 100%. Completely. BUT, He is in so much more than just the Bible or Christian music or Christian books. Are some songs and books more God-honoring that others? Absolutely. But what we are talking about here is a perspective shift...looking for God in everything and not just reserving Him to our Sunday morning worship service.

So, I've decided. Over the next few weeks, or however long it takes, I'm going to look for my own lovely. I'm going to share the places and things and events where I've seen God. I'm going to look for {my own} lovely (because I don't want to totally rip off Annie F. Downs) and I'm going for a perspective shift.

For the past few years, I've felt like I'm constantly yo-yoing between struggle and joy. There's been a lot of highs & lows and very little of middle ground. There's been some big things going on in my life, both in the seen and the unseen. Maybe some of the swinging back and forth has to do more with my perspective and focus and less to do with the actual events transpiring. My hope and prayer is that in looking for my own lovely, I will begin to heal from the hurts...be strengthened...and be a better vessel for God to use.

I hope you will hang on and check back with me. I know words aren't everybody's "thing" but they are mine. I love to read them, to write them, to hear them, and to sing them. And maybe, just maybe, you will find your own lovely too.