The morning was dark still, because its the time of year where our days are starting to shorten. The clouds, however, were giving evidence that the sun would be up soon. They were tinged with pink and you could see the light starting to make its way over the horizon. It was uncharacteristically quiet - the only thing I heard was early morning animal sounds and the rooster that lives on the farm in my neighborhood. While the dogs did their thing, I prayed. I couldn't tell you everything I prayed for, but I know that a common theme in ALL of my prayers at this point in my life is for God's guidance...so I feel confident that came up.
The morning went along as normal...coffee, breakfast, convincing Muddy that she should eat. We get to church pretty early so that Dylan can prepare for the morning service - turning on projectors, checking batteries, making sure that lyrics are ready. I didn't have to sing on the Praise Team; so I sat & read Let's All Be Brave by Annie F. Downs. And I thought she ended the book on Isaiah 41:10 but I flipped back to the end of the book just yesterday and didn't see it there. But I know that it's there. Just not quite where I thought...but that's OK...and this will be important in a moment.
During the Worship hour, I was in the Clubhouse (our Children's ministry) in the preschool class. Despite being thrown in there last minute, it went well. Thankfully, we only had one kid...so that also made things a little easier.
Between Worship & Connect Groups, I sought out Ashley because I needed to give her a book. I don't know how we got to it, but she was sharing the things that had happened over the weekend for her, which were pretty phenomenal God things. That's her story, though. And then I went to Connect Groups with our Youth. We were all pretty quiet in our group.
This all seems mundane and ordinary...I know. But that's what I want you to see. Nothing significant happened. Nothing out of the ordinary. No one said something to me out of turn. It was just a day.
But by the end of Connect Groups I was feeling down. I don't know when or where or why it happened. I could point to the fact that I was tired...and maybe that's just where my energy zapped out. It became cold & rainy while I was at church...maybe that contributed. No matter what, I had found the low spot...and that's important to know as well.
After lunch with friends, I went home to nap - my favorite Sunday afternoon pastime. When I woke up, I didn't feel better. I didn't feel less tired or less down. Finally I decided to go to the grocery store so I didn't have to on Monday evening. On my way, I decided to stop at Starbucks because I had a free coffee.
While I was driving, I was thinking. Thinking about why I was feeling down...what may have caused this dip in my emotions. I was thinking about podcasts and the podcast that I keep going back to in my mind. It was (of course) on Annie F. Downs' podcast. Her guests were a couple that were her campus ministers when she was in college. I don't remember all that they talked about but I remember it being a good conversation. It was right in a string of her podcasts that were all just hitting my heart pretty hard. And at the end of this one, she asked the man to pray over her listeners. I bawled. It was as if he was praying for me and for me only. I have no idea how to describe it but I was listening to a pre-recorded prayer that was holy and everything I needed to hear in my heart. Again, I couldn't tell you the words he prayed, but they were for me if for no one else.
And that got me to thinking about pain and what it does to you when someone sees your pain. I thought about how our natural instinct is to cover the pain...like when a little kid gets hurt & the first thing they do is grab the place where the pain is. Sometimes you have to peel back fingers to see where the hurt is. I don't know why this is our natural reaction...but I know we do the same thing when it comes to emotional pain. We cover the hurt and grip hard, hoping that no one will see it. And then, inevitably, someone peels back the layers until they see the hurt. Sometimes, the moments when I believe God intercedes so perfectly (as is His way), people see your pain even when you think it's completely hidden. For me, those times...those have been the most heart wrenching and beautiful times. Because even though your brain says "hide the pain", your heart longs for someone to see the pain. Healing cannot begin until the hurt is exposed. And sometimes the healing hurts almost as bad or more than whatever caused the pain in the first place.
All of this thinking happened between my house & Starbucks. And as I was travelling back down the road, I passed a church and on their sign was the following scripture:
Fear not, for I am with you;Isaiah 41:10. Only on one side of the sign. If I had gone back in 10 minutes and that wasn't on there anymore, it wouldn't have surprised me at all. Because in that very moment when I looked up and saw "Fear not"...I knew God had placed that message there just.for.me. The tears began to roll and as I attempted to sip my coffee around the HUGE knot in my throat, I whispered aloud..."OK, God...I get it...You see me...You see my pain."
Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
"That's the thing about pain...it demands to be felt."
~The Fault in Our Stars, John Green
1 comment:
Beautiful writing Jen. I love your blogs.
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