Ordinary Sunday

This past Sunday started as almost every Sunday does...I woke up, showered, began the process of readying myself for church. Usually on Sunday mornings, I do everything I need to do in the bathroom short of drying my hair before I take the dogs out and wake up Dylan. For whatever reason this Sunday, I took the dogs out before I finished up in the bathroom.

The morning was dark still, because its the time of year where our days are starting to shorten. The clouds, however, were giving evidence that the sun would be up soon. They were tinged with pink and you could see the light starting to make its way over the horizon. It was uncharacteristically quiet - the only thing I heard was early morning animal sounds and the rooster that lives on the farm in my neighborhood. While the dogs did their thing, I prayed. I couldn't tell you everything I prayed for, but I know that a common theme in ALL of my prayers at this point in my life is for God's guidance...so I feel confident that came up.

The morning went along as normal...coffee, breakfast, convincing Muddy that she should eat. We get to church pretty early so that Dylan can prepare for the morning service - turning on projectors, checking batteries, making sure that lyrics are ready. I didn't have to sing on the Praise Team; so I sat & read Let's All Be Brave by Annie F. Downs. And I thought she ended the book on Isaiah 41:10 but I flipped back to the end of the book just yesterday and didn't see it there. But I know that it's there. Just not quite where I thought...but that's OK...and this will be important in a moment.

During the Worship hour, I was in the Clubhouse (our Children's ministry) in the preschool class. Despite being thrown in there last minute, it went well. Thankfully, we only had one kid...so that also made things a little easier.

Between Worship & Connect Groups, I sought out Ashley because I needed to give her a book. I don't know how we got to it, but she was sharing the things that had happened over the weekend for her, which were pretty phenomenal God things. That's her story, though. And then I went to Connect Groups with our Youth. We were all pretty quiet in our group.

This all seems mundane and ordinary...I know. But that's what I want you to see. Nothing significant happened. Nothing out of the ordinary. No one said something to me out of turn. It was just a day.

But by the end of Connect Groups I was feeling down. I don't know when or where or why it happened. I could point to the fact that I was tired...and maybe that's just where my energy zapped out. It became cold & rainy while I was at church...maybe that contributed. No matter what, I had found the low spot...and that's important to know as well.

After lunch with friends, I went home to nap - my favorite Sunday afternoon pastime. When I woke up, I didn't feel better. I didn't feel less tired or less down. Finally I decided to go to the grocery store so I didn't have to on Monday evening. On my way, I decided to stop at Starbucks because I had a free coffee.

While I was driving, I was thinking. Thinking about why I was feeling down...what may have caused this dip in my emotions. I was thinking about podcasts and the podcast that I keep going back to in my mind. It was (of course) on Annie F. Downs' podcast. Her guests were a couple that were her campus ministers when she was in college. I don't remember all that they talked about but I remember it being a good conversation. It was right in a string of her podcasts that were all just hitting my heart pretty hard. And at the end of this one, she asked the man to pray over her listeners. I bawled. It was as if he was praying for me and for me only. I have no idea how to describe it but I was listening to a pre-recorded prayer that was holy and everything I needed to hear in my heart. Again, I couldn't tell you the words he prayed, but they were for me if for no one else.

And that got me to thinking about pain and what it does to you when someone sees your pain. I thought about how our natural instinct is to cover the pain...like when a little kid gets hurt & the first thing they do is grab the place where the pain is. Sometimes you have to peel back fingers to see where the hurt is. I don't know why this is our natural reaction...but I know we do the same thing when it comes to emotional pain. We cover the hurt and grip hard, hoping that no one will see it. And then, inevitably, someone peels back the layers until they see the hurt. Sometimes, the moments when I believe God intercedes so perfectly (as is His way), people see your pain even when you think it's completely hidden. For me, those times...those have been the most heart wrenching and beautiful times. Because even though your brain says "hide the pain", your heart longs for someone to see the pain. Healing cannot begin until the hurt is exposed. And sometimes the healing hurts almost as bad or more than whatever caused the pain in the first place.

All of this thinking happened between my house & Starbucks. And as I was travelling back down the road, I passed a church and on their sign was the following scripture:

Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:10. Only on one side of the sign. If I had gone back in 10 minutes and that wasn't on there anymore, it wouldn't have surprised me at all. Because in that very moment when I looked up and saw "Fear not"...I knew God had placed that message there just.for.me. The tears began to roll and as I attempted to sip my coffee around the HUGE knot in my throat, I whispered aloud..."OK, God...I get it...You see me...You see my pain."

"That's the thing about pain...it demands to be felt."
 ~The Fault in Our Stars, John Green 

Looking for {my own} lovely: Almost 2 months later

So...I didn't actually abandon this. But it never happened either.

About a week after my last post, I began writing a post...but it felt contrived. My heart was genuine in the loveliness that I saw in this particular subject but I couldn't get my words around it. It didn't feel real.

And then my personal life took a small nose dive. Nothing major...just my own "Jenn-ness".

As August was creeping to a close, I began to realize that it was time for a break, a reprieve, a recess. I was overwhelmed with nothing in my life that should be overwhelming. I was tired. I was soul-weary. I was dragging.

And so, on the last day of August, I told my BFF that I was thinking of taking a break from Facebook & Instagram for September. She said "I want to!" And we made a pact to take a break. I will NOT point out that we were eating lunch together just 2 days later and she asked me if I had seen something on Facebook (which to be fair I really hate I had missed) and I quietly replied "I'm not on Facebook right now", to which she exclaimed "OH YEAH, I'm not supposed to be either."

Sometimes Facebook is loud. Do you know what I mean? I'm not talking about actual volume but in my own processing of Facebook, it's a lot like standing in a crowded room with 100 different conversations going on, between people who all have very firm opinions on every subject known to man,  35 random convos that have nothing to do with anything else, and a bazillion people commenting on every.little.thing. And if you have ever been in a conversation with me in which there is another conversation going on very closely to me, sometimes my attention is trying to be in both places at once, which means I'm not paying attention to the first conversation and, usually, I really don't have any business being in the second conversation either.

That's what Facebook is like for me. I can only handle it so long before I have to physically remove myself and get quiet.

**And by the time I actually post this ON Facebook, it will be MORE than two months since my last post. Details, details.

So, here's the short list of the lovely moments that I've had over the past almost 2 months:

- I helped my best friends move into what we are calling their "tiny house". It's not a tiny house in the way that we now think of tiny houses - they can't hook it to their truck and haul it around the world. They aren't sleeping in a loft that's over their living room/kitchen/eating area that is all three in one. But it is about half the size of their former house with one less bathroom and two less bedrooms. And its cozy and sweet and right next door to her sister's house. Oh yeah...and her mom's grandmother lived there, as well as her dad's mother. So there's history for her there as well.

 - I spent an afternoon with my youth small group girls at Barnes and Noble. Finding "book-ish" teenagers is not always easy but we have a few and we all loved looking through the books, making suggestions for each other, and finding small treasures to take home. I went with the mindset that I was NOT buying any more books...but I did. 20% off is hard to pass up. ;)

- Ayden, my nephew, started the fall baseball season. He's now moved up to kid pitch and its been slow as their team adjusts; but they've had some good showings and I think in the Spring their hard work will pay off.

 - Ayden & I also had a sleepover. We watched movies, Spongebob, he played with Legos, & we made a cake. It's been a while since I had someone to entertain and we both enjoyed the time together.

- Last weekend I went to the wedding of one of my former youth girls, Karlee. It was such a sweet weekend that didn't go even a little bit as planned. Her wedding was planned for an outdoor venue but a hurricane decided to show up...and everything had to be adjusted and rearranged. The end result was beautiful and although I know it wasn't exactly the day she had envisioned when she was first engaged, I believe it ended up just perfect.

The point of "looking for lovely" is not just to find the lovely moments, but to see where God is in those moments. So here goes:

 - I believe for some time God has been orchestrating this move for my best friends. In small ways, I believe He's been preparing them, even though none of us really saw it coming until it happened. The house was empty...her sister is pregnant with baby #2...and just seeing how happy they have been in their new "tiny house" - I totally see God all over that move.

 - My youth girls, as well as all of our youth, teach me so much about God. I'm the teacher but I swear they teach me more. I love seeing God through their eyes.

 - Ayden is the sweetest of all 8-year-old-almost-9-year-old boys. He's so loving and snuggly and huggy. He is much more touchy/feely than Dylan or Alyson were. He is passionate about baseball and the mechanics...and he has an incredible understanding of how the game works and what he needs to do to be his best at the sport. He works hard, plays hard, loves hard. He is my heart child in so many ways. God knew that our family was going to need this person in our family life.

 - I could write an entire blog post about how I've seen God in Karlee's life. Just know that God is all over her life and now her marriage. I've loved watching her story unfold and can't wait to see what God has next for this girl.

I hope it won't be another two months before I'm in this place again. There are things that I would like to say I saw happen over the past two months...but they didn't pan out like *I* thought they should. I know they are all in God's hands, but waiting to see how He is going to move has been excruciating.

So, for now...I'm just waiting and hoping. And constantly looking for the lovely in my own life.

Looking for {my own} Lovely: Adoption

OK...so this is what happens when I write and then post as soon as I finish...I forget all the things. So I'm adding a post script (aka P.S.) to my last post. If you haven't read it yet, you might want to start there and then come back here.

P.S. Before I even turned the last page in Looking for Lovely I purchased a copy from Amazon. Because I knew I was going to need it in my life and I was going to need to read it over and over and over again. And because I need to let some people borrow it. Or I'm going to force some people to read it.

P.P.S. I know I said I wasn't trying to rip off Annie F. Downs...but I totally am. So, Annie...if you ever find yourself reading my piddly blog, please know that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

P.P.P.S. In my post, I mentioned that I started walking April 2nd and I want to clear this up for you folks living in NC. I am not walking at that little park near my work right now. Because highs in the 90's + 1000% humidity are not my thing. But I plan to return once the temps and the humidity lower a bit.

Now that I have that all out of the way...

I have been watching an adoption unfold on Instagram and it has been the loveliest of stories. Sometime after I returned from my first mission trip to Armenia, I stumbled upon an Instagram account that I fell in love with. I literally spent the next 2 hours looking at every post, reading every caption, crying over sweet babes that had been abandoned and given hope. Sometimes their happy ever after story was found here on earth...sometimes in the arms of Jesus. Watching these little lives come and go has been such a bittersweet and beautiful journey. I've laughed...I've cried...I've sat in awe at the stories that God has woven together. Truly amazing.

I don't know when Toby arrived at Morning Star...it seems that he has been there forever. A tiny warrior with a broken heart, both physically and emotionally. He was declared "inoperable" by Chinese standards...so a team from America came and gave hope to this sweet boy. He is brother to Theo and Chara and all of the other babies at Morning Star. And over the last 2 weeks or so, I've watched his story change as he has gone from abandoned and orphaned to loved and wanted and adored. The truly amazing part is that I've been able to see both sides - from the side of those who are releasing him into the arms of a loving adoptive family and from the side of that loving adoptive family receiving him into their family. Forever theirs.

And it has been beautiful. And heart breaking. All at the same time.

Because while he has gained a forever family to care for him and to love him, he leaves behind the only true family he has known in his little life. Brothers and sisters and Ayi's and Meredith's...people who are not biological family any more than his adoptive family, but family nonetheless.

I have always loved the picture that adoption paints. People choosing to love a child forever...not because biology says they must, but because they want to. I know people on all sides of adoption...and no matter what, the story always contains loss and gain. Love and heartache. Beauty and sadness. Release and redemption. A picture of God's release of His Son Jesus to be our redemption. The choice on both sides to allow one who didn't belong, who was abandoned, who had no claim to be a part of a family to become completely a part of a new family...to belong and to be loved.

I don't deserve God's love, grace, kindness, redemption...but I've received it. I received it because I believed and I chose to accept all of these things...knowing they weren't what I deserved but what God wanted to me to have.

And that is a lovely picture to behold.

Looking for {my own} lovely

I haven't been in this space for a while...evidently since Christmas. But I should be. Because I have a lot of words swirling around in my brain that need to come out.

Several months ago, April 2nd to be exact, I started walking at lunch. There's a little park very close to my office that has a really nice walking trail. And very few people are there during the day. While I was walking, I began listening to podcasts. I put out a call on Facebook for some podcast suggestions and one that I really enjoy is Relevant podcast. I've always enjoyed what one of my former co-workers & I refer to as "mindless banter" (also a nod to a line Julia Roberts says in Notting Hill) and that's what this feels like to me. I mean it's not completely mindless...but there can be some of that. Take for instance one of their episodes from last week. It was almost 30 minutes of two of the hosts sharing an experience they had at the David Copperfield show in Las Vegas. It was greatness.

At any rate, one of the hosts is Annie F. Downs, who also has her own podcast. So, I started listening to hers as well. And I have found my new virtual BFF. I love her Instagram and her words, both spoken and written. Her podcasts have made me come face to face with some things that I've been struggling with. It's been good and hard and so wonderful to my heart and soul.

She just recently (like within the last year or so) published a 100-day devotional called 100 Days to Brave. I picked it up in May and have been participating in 100 Days to Brave Summer (as she has dubbed it). It's been good and hard and so wonderful for my heart and soul.

I decided I wanted to read one of her books; so I checked the library and I believe the only one they had was Looking for Lovely. I requested it...it came...I started it on Friday and finished it Sunday afternoon.

And it was good and hard and wonderful for my heart and soul as well.

**Also, I WEPT through the first section as she described her descent into "the broken crazy" because it felt familiar and maybe hit a little too close to home.**

The takeaway that I got from the book was that when she began to look for God in everything, not just the "super spiritual", she began to have a perspective shift. As Christians, we have so often put God into the box that says He can only work through quote unquote spiritual songs, books, etc. That the only words He ever gave come in the Bible. Now hear me say...He is SO there. 100%. Completely. BUT, He is in so much more than just the Bible or Christian music or Christian books. Are some songs and books more God-honoring that others? Absolutely. But what we are talking about here is a perspective shift...looking for God in everything and not just reserving Him to our Sunday morning worship service.

So, I've decided. Over the next few weeks, or however long it takes, I'm going to look for my own lovely. I'm going to share the places and things and events where I've seen God. I'm going to look for {my own} lovely (because I don't want to totally rip off Annie F. Downs) and I'm going for a perspective shift.

For the past few years, I've felt like I'm constantly yo-yoing between struggle and joy. There's been a lot of highs & lows and very little of middle ground. There's been some big things going on in my life, both in the seen and the unseen. Maybe some of the swinging back and forth has to do more with my perspective and focus and less to do with the actual events transpiring. My hope and prayer is that in looking for my own lovely, I will begin to heal from the hurts...be strengthened...and be a better vessel for God to use.

I hope you will hang on and check back with me. I know words aren't everybody's "thing" but they are mine. I love to read them, to write them, to hear them, and to sing them. And maybe, just maybe, you will find your own lovely too.

Advent

definition provided by Google.com

Advent..."the arrival of a notable person, thing, or event."

Last year at Christmas, I was consumed and overwhelmed by the thought of the "fullness of time". In the "fullness of time" God brought forth His son...Jesus. It awed me that He orchestrated an entire universe to prepare for the birth of His son through His servant Mary. The concept floored me. It brought me to tears even. It was too marvelous to even comprehend. The entire world at that moment was completely ready for the Advent of the Christ child. Astonishing.

This year, the word "Advent" is making its impression on me. The very word that means "coming" and we use to mirror the anticipation of the coming Messiah. I can't quite get away from it...from the thought of an entire nation waiting and anticipating the fulfilled prophecy...the promise.

Many of us think that Advent begins in Luke with the announcement to Mary that she would be the earthen vessel in which the Lord's Son would grow and be birthed...we reflect on the very nature of Mary...who she had to be...the beauty of her faith and willingness to do what the Lord had called her to do.

But truly, this first season of Advent began in the Garden...with Eve and then Adam...with the fall of man...when sin entered in. I'll be honest - I have a hard time reconciling the events of Eden. I've asked the question (and received good sound answers) "How could God, who is all knowing and loving, allow His creation to walk away from Him?" Even with the good sound answers, my mind is bewildered that He allowed this to happen. But happen it did...and here we are. Dirty, rotten, undeserving...yet...

When Eve and then Adam entered into sin...when separation from God became the new reality...when the world took on the death sentence laid out by Adam and Eve's disobedience...God's redemption plan began. From that moment, God began laying the foundation for His plan to redeem not only the Israelites - His chosen people - but the entire world.

And just as the Jews waited and anticipated the coming Messiah, we as Jesus followers today are in a new season of Advent. Waiting and anticipating the return of our Lord to right every wrong and restore His Kingdom.

Advent...the arrival...the coming...

I Gave Up Coffee for 31 Days...and Other Things That Happened in October

This title is a true statement. For some of you, giving up coffee for 31 days doesn't seem like a huge deal...but for me it was.

I love coffee. I love drinking coffee. I love the smell of coffee. I'm thankful for the huge caffeine boost coffee gives me most days.

I've been drinking coffee since I was a child. There is a story that my great-grandmother gave me coffee in a bottle. I always envisioned this as little baby me, nursing on a bottle at under a year old. This vision was shattered when my mom told me I was closer to 2. But that's still a young age, no matter what.

But I gave it up...and some other things too.

Why?

Because my world had become increasingly "loud"...busy...overstimulating. And I needed to cut through the noise and get some peace and some focus.

This year I've struggled with decisions - big & small. Things that shouldn't be a hard choice I made harder by over-analyzing and over thinking. I kept coming back to this idea of fasting. Removing some of the "junk" that was taking up the space in my mind. But I put it off...and then put it off again...and once more. Finally in September I was struggling with a decision and I said "OK...I'm putting some of this stuff to rest...I'm going to re-focus." I decided October would be the month. I wanted a full month - 1st to 31st.

I began to make a list of the things that consume my time & that I had made essential that weren't truly essential. And I decided to forego them all, for the most part. I made some concessions beforehand...I'll describe below...but this is the list that came to me - the things I felt like I needed to give up:

1 - Coffee - I will not tell you again how much I love coffee but I do. And I knew that I could not truly fast without giving this up. I would also like to say that I handled this like a trooper...but I have people (or really just one person) who would be able to tell you I didn't. In fact, I'm actually starting this post a few days before the end of the month and on this very day, giving up coffee was the hardest. I literally could smell someone's coffee from the basement of our office wafting up to my office. The fact that I didn't attack said person for the coffee should be commended, though. And what did I learn from leaving coffee out of my day to day? That I go to sleep much earlier.

2 - ALL beverages except water & green tea - I don't actually drink a lot of other beverages other than coffee & water, but I did give up occasional soft drinks as well. I allowed green tea because I need a little caffeine and because of the health benefits. I did have one cup of wild orange tea & one cup of lemonade at a vendor event where they didn't offer water.

3 - TV - I will be honest...Netflix consumes a great deal of my time. I usually have something on when I'm in the house, I fall asleep watching TV, and a Netflix binge is one of my favorite ways to pass a Saturday or Sunday afternoon. Instead, during this month I listened to music & podcasts, read a lot, and kept up to date (for the most part) on my Bible reading. I'm seriously considering limiting my TV time to Saturday's & Sunday's. For the most part, this wasn't terribly hard, but I did have a day toward the end of the month that was blah and I really wanted to watch something that was an "easy" watch. Also, I ended this a little early...I wanted to watch Hocus Pocus before Halloween...so I did. But the TV went off right after that.

**Before I began my fast, I did make concessions on weekends when D was at the house. We watch TV together a lot and he's not fasting. So, I didn't want to disappear & leave him by himself when he was watching something. This was the only time I allowed myself to forego the TV fast...but often I was reading while he was watching.

4 - Sweets, desserts, candy - My lunch & dinner are not complete without a little dessert - candy, cookies, cake, what have you. These should be non-essentials & special occasions, but I've made them a necessity. So I cut them out. This one didn't go *quite* as well, though. I had already made concessions for the two birthdays that I knew I'd be celebrating during October - life is too short to NOT have birthday cake; however, I made 5 cakes during the month of October, one of which was a chocolate pound cake for D. I needed to taste it...twice. ;) Instead of sweets, I tried to make sure I had sweet fruits in the house - i.e. grapes - to give me that "sweet" taste.

5 - Facebook & Instagram - I knew if I wanted to give this up, I would have to physically delete the apps from my phone. I am embarrassed to tell you the level of anxiety I felt when I went to bed on September 30th & deleted those apps. So many thoughts went through my head...how will I know what's going on with all my Facebook friends? What if I miss something? And as I battled these thoughts, a growing thought overtook them all...that this obsession with 24/7 information is why I needed to give them up. So I deleted the apps...not my accounts. I did reinstall Instagram to post a little birthday wish for my nephew, which I shared to Facebook as well, but I deleted it as soon as it was posted. The only other time I was on Facebook was for company stuff (I'm an admin on our company page) or if that was the website for a business I was looking for information. I knew this was were the most traffic & noise in my mind was coming from. They had to go. I realized, though, very quickly that this is where I get all of my information - news (both real & fake) on world events. So, I had to look to other avenues for news information. I also realized that this was my "go to" when I was bored. Sometimes it was what I was doing when I should be engaging with people. And for these reasons, I knew it needed to go.

This past month has really been amazing. There were two things I was considering for next year & trying to figure out how to fit them in because hey...I'm gonna have a graduate in May & we need to celebrate that! I have peace that one needs to be left for now...the other needed a "yes". There are still some things that I need resolution on, but I feel like the answer isn't for right now. And I'm OK with that.

Overall, though, I've enjoyed the quiet. And I know that means I need to let some of these things rest more in my life. I need to stop allowing Facebook & Instagram...as well as Netflix...have such a huge hold in my life. Most of all, I am thankful for the peace that I've gained in some areas of my life.

So, now...I'm gonna go get a cup of coffee. ;)

Vacation Book Reviews - "Start: Punch Fear in the Face, Escape Average, and Do Work That Matters"

Vacation Book Review #4 - Start: Punch Fear in the Face, Escape Average, and Do Work That Matters by Jon Acuff

I'm including this in my vacation book reviews because I started this while on my vacation, today is a Holiday - so technically still vacation, and because this is my blog & I can do that. :)

I started following Jon Acuff on social media a few months ago. I honestly don't know what drew me in but I'm sure that it was some silly picture with a clever caption that was the perfect blend of sarcasm & dry humor. That's my kind of humor. So, he started promoting his next book, Finish, and I'm not sure exactly why but I pre-ordered it. I clicked the "pre-purchase" button on Amazon and in exactly one week from tomorrow it will arrive in my mailbox. And then I found out that he wrote a book called Start...and I'm all about reading things "in order"...so I bought this one.

I enjoyed the book immensely. It's full of humor but, more importantly, it is full of practical advice based on his own experiences in going from average to awesome. I enjoyed the real life examples from his own life, as well as other successful people. What I most appreciated about the book was the action guide in the Appendix. So many books in this genre lay out a great plan for moving toward a goal & then pat you on the back & send you on your way...and 6 months later you the reader are thinking "remember that great book with all that great advice that I'm doing nothing with?"

Also, I think this book would be GREAT for high school/college graduates trying to start their own path toward awesome. Although I would recommend it for anyone who feels like maybe they should be moving in a different direction. I think the book gives some very tangible & concrete methods for determining your own path to "awesome".

I will most likely re-read this one with a notebook & pen close by. I feel like I need some notes...and I will need to use the action item section.

My only complaint about the book has nothing to do with the book itself. I purchased the book on my Kindle because I wanted it instantly and didn't want to hope that Amazon Prime would deliver my book before I was going out of town on Sunday. The Action Guide refers back to page numbers in the book; my Kindle edition only has "locations" not page numbers (this annoys me for every e-book that doesn't provide page numbers). This is going to make it a little harder for me to refer back to the specific sections that are referenced in the Action Guide. Come on Amazon...get it together.

I really blame myself...EVERY time I buy a book like this on e-book I regret it because I can't highlight pages...which I KNOW I can highlight electronically, but I can't flip through the electronic version as easily to see exactly what I've highlighted. I really should have been more patient and waited for the hard copy...

This is the last of my vacation reviews...and I did write this at 11:30pm on Monday night because I knew if I waited until tomorrow at 5pm, the vacation/holiday magic would be over and I would not write it. Life & reality. *sigh*

I am in a weird reading place right now...for months I've had a stack of books (not the same ones) that were next on my reading list...and now...there is no stack! I have a few that I would like to re-read...maybe I'll tackle a few of those while waiting for Finish to arrive in my mailbox. Or I will attempt to read one of the 3500 that I've downloaded (mostly for free) on my Kindle. :)

Vacation Book Reviews - "The Replacement Wife"

Vacation Book Review #3 - The Replacement Wife by Eileen Goudge

Confession: I'm not sure I really read the description of this book when I saw it on Bookbubs or Early Bird Books...or the description was more vague than I realized. Also, I DO tend to judge books by their cover...and the cover on this one may have caught my eye.

This book was somewhat sad...in many ways. Camille is a successful modern day matchmaker in New York City. She is diagnosed with a reoccurrence of cancer at Stage 4 and has pretty much accepted her death sentence. Using her skills as a matchmaker, she decides to find a new wife for her husband.

As could be predicted, this causes all kinds of issues. It's an interesting idea of a terminally ill loved one trying to take care of her family, even though it's a bit unorthodox for the loved one to find their "replacement". The characters are likable & even if you don't agree with the method, there are back stories for both the husband & wife that help you to understand why this would even been an option.

The book was alright. I can't say I loved it, although I feel it was a very good read. Perhaps my more traditional ideas of family & marriage have influenced my "like" of the book.

Not altogether terrible.

My next book is Start by Jon Acuff. I've recently started following him on social media & actually have pre-ordered his book coming out September 12th, Finish. Although he's made it clear that you don't have to read one before you read the other, I decided to get into it. Probably won't finish this one before the vacation ends, although Monday is a holiday...which means my "reality" doesn't really start until Tuesday! :)

Vacation Book Reviews - "Serafina & the Black Cloak"

Vacation Book Review #2 - Serafina & the Black Cloak by Robert Beatty

I was most interested to read this book for two reasons - #1 - It is Young Adult Fiction. I love YA fiction...it is one of my favorite genres. #2 - The book is not only set in NC (I love most books set in my state) but it is set at the Biltmore Estate in Asheville. The book did not disappoint.

Serafina is a 12 year old who has lived most of her life hidden in the basement of the Biltmore mansion. Her father is one of the original builders and stayed on to take care of the electrical system serving the mansion in the late 1800's. Serafina befriends Braeden, the orphaned nephew of the Vanderbilts who has come to live at Biltmore Estate. Together they try to discover who is kidnapping the children of the guests at Biltmore and who is ultimately trying to kidnap Braeden.

The book is written for middle grades and follows a great story line. Even while Serafina & Braeden are trying to solve the mystery of the Man in the Black Cloak, Serafina is learning about who she really is. I believe the book also pays proper homage to the grandeur of Biltmore Estate and also to the Vanderbilts, who by all accounts were kind & generous people. Various aspects of the Biltmore house are mentioned in the book, including many of the popular rooms and areas that can be seen on the present-day public tours. It is apparent that the writer has researched the history of the house, mentioning things such as Cornelius Vanderbilt's desire to build a self-sustaining estate with modern amenities including indoor plumbing & electricity, things that weren't available in many the homes of even the most wealthy at the time Biltmore was constructed.

The book almost has a Harry Potter feel, not exactly like HP but the same general feel of a bit of magic, a bit of mystery, and a young adult trying to learn exactly who they are in the world. I believe that this story may have originated much in the same way as HP, as bedtime stories for the author's children; Robert Beatty lives in Asheville. I am surprised that these are the first stories that have been imagined about life at Biltmore. That may be a narrow viewpoint, since I do live in NC & have been to Biltmore several times.

Serafina has been published by Disney * Hyperion, the publishing arm of Disney. I expect this book to be made into movie format in the next few years. I think it would translate excellently to film. I was hoping that filming had already begun - I did find this book trailer on Youtube...which I was pleased to find out features the author's daughter portraying Serafina:



All in all, an excellent read. There is no "language" or "suggestive themes" in this book and has the right amount of mystery without being terrifying. I think that younger children would enjoy the story, even if they aren't old enough to actually read the book on their own. It would be a great read aloud book!

Next book on my vacation reading list is The Replacement Wife by Eileen Goudge. This is another that I saw in one of my discount e-book e-mails & requested from the library.

Happy Reading!

Vacation Book Reviews - "Goodbye Natalie, Goodbye Splendour"

I read a lot. Not as much as I would like to, but a lot. I'm hoping to read 45 books this year; next year I'll up it to 50. My favorite genres are fiction...non-fiction is a struggle for me but sometimes I'll find a good biography that will suck me in. I posted a couple of books that I had read & was planning to read on vacation & someone mentioned doing a review. I have never done a book review before, not even on Goodreads...mainly because I read the reviews, pick them apart, roll my eyes at the shallow views that these people sometimes have...and...well...you can probably see why I wouldn't write a review.

But since I have a little more time...here you go...

Vacation Book #1 - Goodbye Natalie, Goodbye Splendour by Marti Rulli with Dennis Davern

First of all, a confession - I didn't really know who Natalie Wood was. I had heard the name & perhaps a bit about her suspicious death, but didn't really know WHO she was. I was shocked to find out she was little Susan Walker in Miracle on 34th Street, a movie I've seen at least 100 times. This book showed up in my Bookbub or Early Bird Books as a discount e-book. The description intrigued me & I requested it from the library. I actually renewed this book 4 times before I actually dove in...mostly because I had other things come in that had to be read before I could move on and also because I had read another "true crime" biography that was horribly boring. So, I wasn't sure what to expect here.

This book definitely exceeded my expectations. It was an interesting look at the suspicious death of Natalie Wood Thanksgiving weekend 1981 (BTW...I was only 5 when she died...so yet another reason I didn't know who she was). I thought the writing was done well and the book definitely followed a very logical telling of the events that transpired that weekend. One critique I saw in Goodreads reviews was that the book was too long. It is fairly lengthy, but the book explores how Woods' death affected one of her friends, one who knew more than he originally told. It took years (almost 30) for Davern (former Splendour captain) to be able to reveal everything and to be in a place where he felt comfortable divulging the facts of that night.

If you enjoy "true crime", I would definitely recommend this book. I think you will find, just as many others have, that there were key things overlooked in the very brief investigation of Natalie Woods' death, things that should've given investigators pause & reason to investigate further than they did.

My next vacation book is Serafina & the Black Cloak. Another friend read this over the summer...and when I looked at the description I realized it is a Young Adult Fiction set at Biltmore House...two things I love! Stay tuned! :)

The Struggle

This post may be long...in fact, I may split it in two. And I have to go ahead & qualify, some of this is going to be vague...because while there are things that didn't happen to me directly they impacted me greatly. But they are not my stories to tell or they aren't the stories that I can tell right now. And finally, this post is going to be a little raw...a little transparent...a little hard to put "out there" and even harder to know that people are going to read it; however, I think it's important. And I've had these words swirling around in my brain for months...they demand to be put down on paper...or computer screen...or what have you...

So here goes...

In 2015 I participated in 2 missions trips...both extremely life changing. In ways that I couldn't have even imagined. The effects of these combined trips have affected my life from henceforth and, I believe, directly altered the path of my life...in so many good ways. There will be more to this in the future...but for right now, vagueness #1. ;)

In coming back from Armenia the first time, I struggled. Struggled with seeing the world from a different viewpoint...struggled with reconciling my life here in the US after being out of the country...and, quite honestly, struggled to regain a normal sleep schedule after crossing basically 8 time zones. Jet lag is serious business & a monster that almost took me under. I could not sleep regularly for about 2 months. I don't really know if it was the jet lag or just the combined stuggles...but this was a tough period in my life. Jet lag is the only thing I really remember about the time period other than a small bit of depression. There were days that I had to make lists...like a chore list - do laundry, paint toe nails, watch this show - or I would just sit in a chair & stare at the TV aimlessly until I felt it was sufficient time to go to bed...and not sleep. Slowly, the fog lifted and life became "easier"...you know, as easy is life can really be. God had already been working to reveal some pretty major things in my life BEFORE I went on this trip...all good stuff...and He was continuing to work in my life.

Early in 2016, I committed for another trip to NYC & then with Dylan to Armenia. But what was more significant was the awareness that God was asking me to leave the Children's Ministry at our church. It was bizarre to me...and I truly struggled. I didn't understand. Children's Ministry had been my passion for as long as I could remember. I had been serving in one capacity or another in our children's ministry since the day they told me I could be a nursery worker...at 13 or 14. I had taught Sunday School, Children's Choir, worked in Children's Church...and I felt like that's where God had gifted me...but all of the sudden, He said "It's time to go." So, in June of 2016, I taught my last Clubhouse lesson and said farewell to Children's Ministry.

I don't find it coincidental at all that our church began to discuss hiring a Children's (& Youth) Minister as I was struggling to determine how God could ask me to give up this ministry. It was the confirmation to me that I wasn't mistaking what God was telling me; but it was still confusing to me.

When someone has their identity so tied up in a ministry, even if they aren't a "full time minister", leaving that ministry is hard. Even when God says to go. All of the sudden, I didn't really have a "place" in our church. And as much as I struggled to leave children's ministry, it was a struggle to find a new identity within my church. I re-joined our church's Praise Team because this was something I had done before I completely committed to children's ministry service full time on Sunday mornings. It was the one thing that I had missed so much and was so excited to come back to. I love music...I love God speaking to me through music. But once again, I struggled...I struggled with insecurity about my place in this team...even if I should be doing this. It was a hard place...

In October of 2016, I found out some news that left me reeling. Vagueness #2 coming your way. This one is certainly not my story to tell, but the impact of this left me hollow...grieving for a loss that I couldn't comprehend...that I couldn't wrap my mind around. This began a hard season in my life...watching, waiting, praying, hoping, etc, etc, etc.

As we moved into 2017, my aunt lost her fight with cancer. I simply had no idea how the loss of her life was going to impact me so greatly. The loss was bittersweet - no more suffering, in the arms of Jesus...but the loss on earth was a tough one. She left behind children and grandchildren that will miss her dearly...but she also left a legacy of literally hundreds of children that were taught by her as 4 & 5 year old children. She had been passionate about children's ministry for the majority of her life. My small 25 years or so in children's ministry paled in comparison to her 40+ years in children's ministry. It's not a contest...and that's not my point. But as I looked across her grandchildren, my eyes continually found James...the baby...the one who would not have the benefit of his MawMaw West. And I grieved for the loss that he would never understand.

The same weekend of my aunt's funeral, my car "died" for lack of a better word...which launched me into about 4 months of waiting, looking, trying to find a new (to me) car, and a lot of frustration.

As 2017 has continued, I have struggled in many ways...but I would be remiss if I didn't also mention the victories. In January, we were awaiting word on Dylan's scholarships. His sophomore year was tough...he had his own struggles but just slipped by with the minimum required GPA for his scholarship to renew...and it only renewed for the Fall semester pending his performance in the Fall. He worked hard & I know it sounds sappy (because he told me so) but I was so proud of him. He gave it all he could...and if he wasn't able to continue, he was OK with that. There was a small back up plan that would keep him in school, but it wasn't one we wanted to go to.

On January 4th, I received his statement...where I had been expecting about $4500 to be due for him to continue, his statement was showing double that. I remember sitting on my bed, praying & weeping. I had no idea how we were going to make this happen. One thing I noticed, though, was that his loans were not showing against the balance...which made up the difference between what I was expecting & what was shown. I emailed Financial Services and received the explanation that the statement was dated January 1...the loans hadn't been applied yet, but if I looked at my "daily status" I would see that they were applied. I logged on and about fell out of my chair. Instead of the $4500 due, Dylan's account showed a $500 credit. Not only had the loans applied, but his scholarships had renewed.

Later in February, I was able to sell my "dead" car to a lady who had offered to buy my car several times. I didn't get what I could've gotten for an "alive" car, but I got enough to pay off Dylan's car a year early. And in May, I was able to buy a new-to-me car that is just amazing.

So, why do I share all of this?

Because I'm still struggling...day in, day out. There have been victories...but there has still been grief & disappointment...heartache...sadness...pain...etc...etc...etc.

And I see others around me struggling as well. And I guess I want them to know...they aren't alone.

Even if...God is still good.

This is something that has been resonating with me lately. A month or so ago, I was heavily into the life of David. I listened to Andy Stanley's messages about the life of David and in my own personal Bible reading (oh yeah...I've struggled with this too) I was reading about the life of David at the same time. I have been fascinated with David. "A man after God's own heart"...certainly not a perfect man...and that's what has caught my attention & made me just sit in awe of David. Even before he "messed up royally" with Bathsheba, David's life wasn't easy. David was anointed as the next King of Israel while another king was still on the throne...another King that David not only respected, but went up against a giant to honor the King & rid Israel of this enemy. Later, David is hunted down by this same King who is jealous of David. And I have to wonder...when David was running for his life from King Saul...when he was hiding in other countries...hiding in the very cave where King Saul came in to "do his business"...knowing the whole time that God had called him to more...I think David must have struggled himself. In fact, I'm fairly certain of it when you read the Psalms. David was a man after God's own heart...but I know from the book of Psalms that he often wondered where God was in the midst of his struggle. BUT over & over, David reminds himself...and now us thousands of years later...that his trust is in the Lord. The Lord who brought victory over the giant...the Lord who has promised to bring him to the other side of this...the Lord who surely protected him from King Saul...and finally made him victorious over King Saul.

Even if...He is good.

Even through my struggles...I'm reminded that God has brought me through so much that I can't NOT believe that He has left me in this. Every day I pray (or as often as I pray...because, you guessed it...struggle) that God will use these struggles to refine me...to strengthen me...to make me a woman after His own heart.

And I'm clinging to the fact that God's goodness is not dependent on me or my circumstances...but His goodness is constant. Even if...

So...Here We Are...More than a Year Later

Well...what I wanted from this blog and what actually happened are two different things.

I wanted to blog about my missions opportunities...the process...the struggles...the victories...the actual trips...how I was changed.

But it never happened! I looked back and the last entry on this blog was about NYC - BEFORE I went.

And now, I've been to NYC twice on mission, once to Armenia on mission, and am preparing for trip #2 to Armenia.

I have only one excuse - life. Life has remained busy. This summer is crazy. So much to do...and I'm feeling the time crunch. We are half way through July. In less than 2 weeks, Dylan & I will be heading out of the country...and 2 weeks after we return, he will be headed back to school. For his 3rd year of college.

I swear I just blinked...and it all happened.

So...here we are.

My trip to NYC last May was amazing. I fell in love with the city. In love with the ministry of Graffiti. As much as I am not a city person, the energy in NYC is something I've never found anywhere else. I can't even explain it. We went to NYC again this past May...and it was still the same. Full of energy, full of people, full of busy-ness. And I loved it all. This time, we took a couple of guys with us...one of them Dylan. He had been to the city before but was not able to spend as much time as we did on this trip. He loved it too.

And Armenia in September of 2015? Equally amazing! I'm not a fan of international travel...the travel itself, that is. 12 hours on a plane is hard - especially coming West. The jet lag when I returned...a BEAR. Two months I spent trying to get back in a regular sleep pattern. But at the end of the day, when someone asked when I was going again...the answer was always "as soon as possible".

So...here we are.

T-minus 11 days. It just doesn't even seem real. Dylan & I are going with a different team than I traveled with before. We will be doing different things and in different areas. We will be doing Vacation Bible School in different areas throughout Armenia. I'm looking forward to seeing some parts of this beautiful country that I didn't see before. I'm excited to see familiar faces that I left behind almost a year ago. I'm anticipating meals lovingly prepared for our team. In other words, I cannot wait to be back in Armenia.

Three different times on Sunday alone I was asked about how the events transpiring in the Middle East were affecting our trip. Each time I had to explain that I have to compartmentalize...almost ignore these events. Because, yes, they are scary...and there is a call to safety. But, I know that God has called us to go...and go we must. There is great peace in knowing that the One who physically holds this world in place is holding me...and cares for me...and is protecting me...and will use me in whatever way HE chooses.

Surrender is hard...but so worth it. And almost always, it's easier to submit than to fight. That's what I've learned over the past couple of years. The struggle is not worth it; laying it all down before Him is.


So...here we go...into the Land of Noah. To serve. To love. To surrender. To Go.

But first...NYC Mission!

While I'm already looking ahead toward Armenia, making plans, etc., I don't want to neglect my first mission trip of 2015 which is happening TWO WEEKS FROM TODAY! It seems like just yesterday I was signing up to go...never even knowing what was really ahead of me. I, along with my best friend and two others who have become dear friends in a very short amount of time, will be traveling to New York City.

Our NYC Mission Team

While we are there we will be working with Graffitt 3 Ministries, an inner city church located in Brooklyn. I'm not 100% sure what we will be doing right now, but I know it's going to be great!

The process between signing up and our going has been quite interesting. Just a small glimpse of our lives from March to now:

 - Ashley had a stress fracture in her foot.
 - My dad was hospitalized for chest pains, was told he'd had a heart attack, they did a heart cath, and placed a stint. Found out later the artery that was clogged is called "The Widow Maker".
 - Lisa found out that she was most likely going to lose her job in the coming months.
 - Renae turned her life upside down and decided to purge & move.

If I truly tried to list out all of the things that we've faced over the last few months, it would appear to be a laundry list of complaints or negative things...however, I believe that each thing we've faced has just increased our faith! This trip has already been an amazing journey and we haven't even left.

The more amazing part? Our trip has been OVER funded! Less than a month after we formed our team, we were fully funded...and other contributions have continued to come in.

I KNOW that God wants us to go...and I KNOW that he's going to do some amazing stuff.

Please keep our team in your prayers over these next two weeks. I know that anxiety is going to increase, life will seemingly "get in the way", and we will encounter other obstacles. But I also know that God is going to richly bless us through this trip as well!

Go! (aka Get out of the boat)

Initial disclaimer: I created this blog it appears about 5 years ago. Sometimes I blogged a lot...sometimes not very much at all. I don't plan to go back and delete posts...some of them are silly...some are personal reflections...some are deeply personal things that I put out here with no thought of "real life" people finding. Just know that what is here is all me...some parts that maybe I didn't want to show everyone...but I'm ok with it now. That being said...feel free to poke around...see what you can see. From this point forward, this blog will become an online journal of sorts. Because you see...there are some big things on the horizon for me. :)

I am not generally one to put a vague Facebook post out there...in fact, if you know me at all, you know that this is truly one of my pet peeves. However, yesterday...I committed the Facebook cardinal sin and posted a vague status -

"When God says "go"...its best to just go...stay tuned...big things ahead!"

I know that some people were VERY curious...because they commented! And it's not that I didn't want to share the BIG things ahead, but I needed to do so with much more explanation. Because the where I'm going is important, but to me the how I got to where I am now is even more important. So, I figured the best way to truly let everyone in on what's going on was to post part of an e-mail that I sent to Ashley (my BFF) on Friday (slightly edited...because I have a tendency to ramble).

So…a little over a year ago (which I know thanks to the glory of TimeHop) I really began to feel like God was calling me to "something". I know that sounds vague, but I really wasn't sure at the time what He had in mind…just felt a calling, if you will. I know that it was about a year ago because it was when we started learning Oceans…the words…oh my word. If you really think through and really MEAN the words of that song…well, you know. J

Fast forward almost a year to our last Youth Leaders meeting. Now…this leaders meeting has nothing to do with anything other than a marker of time…just so you know. When I left & went home, I just felt heavy/burdened/what have you. I was still doing my quiet time in the evenings…and we were right in the middle of our Bible Study. I *think* the lesson that night was on God's plan for your life. And I lost it. I cried…I SOBBED and just really cried out to God…please let me know what you want with my life. Sometimes, I feel like my life is stagnant. I know in reality it's not…but it feels that way sometimes. Like I'm always waiting for something to actually happen. I began praying that God would reveal His plan. That I would want to do what He wanted. I confessed that this scared me but in that good way of I can't even imagine what God wants to do…and fully surrendering…sometimes it's a little scary. I mean, you know that He's got you…but you know if you really surrender, God will take you where you never thought you'd go.

Literally a week after this…NYC happens. I don't have to tell you about all of that…you've seen it unfold before your very eyes.

On Wednesday night, Renae comes up to me and says there's another opportunity to go to NYC that I'm praying about…it's in August. A whole week. The trip starts the weekend that Dylan moves back to Wake…so I don't think I can do it. BUT…here's where things get interesting. ;)

The August trip is being offered by the NC WMU (our other trip is through the national WMU).  I've been bouncing since NYC on the NC Baptist website to see other opportunities. As Bill mentioned the other night, the NC Baptists have their own women's ministry since WMU broke away from SBC as their own entity (I mean really…can't we all just be friends???) called Embrace and they have a trip in the fall like the one we are doing to NYC but it's to Boston. So…yesterday I decide to look & see what the NC WMU has…and get this…they have a trip to Armenia. What?!?!?!? That little country that Andrew's grandparents are from…from which his great-grandparents immigrated.

So, I emailed the lady. The do a "retreat" at the seminary for women - they have 2 groups that come. They teach them how to minister to the other women & children. It's all basic because most of the women haven't grown up in church. This will be their 3^rd trip. They have 3 people committed to go and need 3-4 more. They will be teaching, doing worship, and doing crafts with the ladies.

I'm seriously thinking about it.

And I'm scared, for sure. I mean…it's on the other side of Turkey. Right under Georgia. The country.

But, woah…what in the world?

So…this is where I'm at…and I need some serious prayer help. I'm praying really hard that God will let me know what I should do. This is HUGE. BIG. I can't even believe how BIG this is. 

Yesterday...I committed to this trip. I will be heading to Armenia in September. You cannot even imagine all of the different emotions I've been rolling through since I saw this opportunity...excitement, anxiety, fear...you name it. I'm feeling it. I've never been outside of the country...and I'll be going half way around the world.

But, I'm so sure that this what God wants from me and for me.

I shared with someone yesterday that this is truly a "get out of the boat" trip. Committing to the NYC Mission trip I'm going on in May...that was a no-brainer. I knew as soon as I got the e-mail that I would be doing that trip.

But this is HUGE. I have to get my passport - ASAP - so I can officially join the "team". I have to raise funds. I am joining a team that I don't even know if I will know one other person.

And I'm scared. Armenia itself seems to be a fairly stable country...but it's right in the middle of a whole bunch of countries that aren't stable.

So, I'm going. Because God said "go".

I would appreciate your prayers as I prepare for this trip, as well as the NYC Mission trip in May. I know that God is going to do great things with both of these trips. I look forward to seeing how God is going to provide, grow me, and stretch me with this Armenia trip.

Stay tuned...more to come...

:)

One Year Gone...Another Beginning

Here we are on the eve of a new year...and, as many others are certainly doing, I've been reflecting on 2014.

It was a BIG year...a crazy BIG year.

Probably the biggest year for me since 1996.

In January, I wrote a post on a word that God had given me for 2014 - TRUST. And let me say, this has been an interesting journey.

At the beginning of 2014, I had plans. Plans for the year. Things already in the books. Dylan's graduation, follow up trip, leaving for college, etc.

But I could not have even FATHOMED what 2014 was actually going to bring.

Nor how much I would be leaning on that word TRUST.

When my heart was breaking because I just knew that Dylan would move far, far away from me for school...I whispered "trust".

When I looked at my bank account and wasn't quite sure how we were going to make it to the next week..."trust".

When I was lying in bed mulling over every little thing in my life at 3am..."trust".

And just like that...God came through every time.

The school thing, I admit, was the hardest for me. How in the world could I imagine the person I had wrapped my entire life around for 18 years living 9 hours from me? I remember grieving over this thought before the decision had even been made.

And finally, one day, I just had to give it up. I had to trust. I had to say "God if you want him in Florida, then I have to know that You are going to make this OK for me."

Although, I have to say...I'm extremely thankful that God & I were on the same page about keeping him in North Carolina. ;)

Ultimately on the school thing...I just prayed that God would make it crystal clear where He wanted Dylan.

Boy, did He.

I don't think I'll ever forget the day that the envelope came from Wake Forest...I didn't even open it...I gave it to Dylan to open it. He just looked at it...didn't say a word...and handed it to me.

Oh, by the way, he had already committed to High Point University. We'd paid the deposit.

I looked...and couldn't believe what I was seeing.

Basically after it was all said & done, his college would be paid for. With very little loan money. All grants.  All scholarships.  I basically couldn't afford to NOT send him to Wake.

It took a little more time for everything to process for Dylan. For me, the final decision was made. For Dylan, he wanted to consider. But a day later, he said "get the deposit back from HPU" and...here we are.

Dylan has completed his first semester at Wake. He has made friends. He has adjusted somewhat (I think there's more of that to come). He did well in his first semester. And in about 13 days from now, he'll start with his second semester.

Sometimes trust is easy...but often times it's hard. It's hard to trust that everything is going to turn out OK when we can't see the end. This year, I've definitely learned a lot. And my God has never been proven un-trustworthy. Which I kind of knew...but needed to be reminded.

I don't know what my word for 2015 is going to be yet. I have a few rolling around in my head, but I'm waiting to see what word God gives me.

But I do know that I can't wait to see what it is...and what He has in store for me this year.

Happy New Year!

A Safe Friend

I was reading a blog the other day and the blogger mentioned having a safe friend. A safe friend, per her definition, is one that you can whine, complain, moan, cry to...basically someone that you can dump your stress on and they will hear you out. I would concur that this is extremely important...not only to your own mental, emotional, and physical health...but also for the health & well being of those around you.

Trust me...you need to be able to check a little anger before unleashing it on some poor, unsuspecting soul.

My safe friend would have to be my bestest, Ashley.

I have no idea when this picture was taken...I think it was after I graduated high school - either in the summer or during my Freshman year of college. I have known Ashley since she was 13 & I was 14. I know I actually have known her longer because there's a picture floating out there of a church event and she's in the background of my sister...but my first memories are from our teenage years.

Our teens at church think its crazy that we've been friends this long. I would have to say that this is probably a rare thing...

Anyway, Ashley is the one I call when I'm having a bad day...when I need to check a response that may not come across quite like it's intended...when I want to know why the skinny little boys with no shirts on are running around Walkertown...when I need someone to vent to, to cry to, to complain to. She understands when I say "my child is about to make me cuss...at him"...and she talks me down from actually harming him.

She's the one who (finally) gave me a Magic 8 ball to sit on my desk at work...because I wanted to use it to answer the ninety-eleven stupid questions that I get asked at work.

We've cried together, laughed together, done stupid crafts together, worshiped together, ministered together, and fought together.

At the end of the day...I know that if I need to unload 24 hours worth of crap on her, she's there.

And the road goes both ways.

Of course, sometimes she betrays me...and joins in with our youth to photobomb my phone...

I can't say I wouldn't do the same to her. ;)

At any rate, if you don't have a "safe friend"...you need one. You need one so that you don't unload on every unsuspecting person who has the decency to ask you "how you are doing". You need one to keep you sane.

Proverbs 12:25-26: "Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, But a good word makes it glad. The righteous should choose his friends carefully, For the way of the wicked leads them astray."

Of course, be careful who you choose as your "safe friend"...it must be someone trustworthy...one that won't just tell you what you need to hear. It must someone who can be a secret-keeper...or at least know when the secret should be told (for your safety or the safety of others).

Choose wisely my friend...choose wisely.

Why I Do Youth Ministry - Part Two

So, yesterday I gave you some of my "not reasons I do Youth Ministry"…and promised today I'd share WHY I do Youth ministry.

Let me tell you…Youth Ministry (and really any kind of ministry) is not for the faint of heart. If you think you can just show up, you are so totally wrong.

Because teens are difficult people. They are trying to balance being young with growing up, add in a HUMONGOUS dose of hormones making them slightly crazy…well, you just have a recipe for disaster.

But in spite of this, I love working in our Youth Ministry. Because…

#1 - I really enjoy being around teens. Some days are better than others…but I think that's true about all of us. Teens are fun loving people and I'm a fun loving person. Teens love teen-y shows, movies, and books…and my 38 year old tastes are not far off from the tastes of a typical teenager in that respect. There is nothing that can make you feel younger…and then older all at the same time…than hanging out with a bunch of teenagers.

#2 - This is the important one…I just feel this need to love on them. Our teenagers have so many negative things pouring over them that they need to go somewhere to feel some kind of positive love energy. Unfortunately, church is not always where they can find that. And I'll be the first to admit that some of our teens are harder to love than others. Some of that is a clash in our personalities. Some of that is my frustration in seeing our kids not living up to their full potential. Sometimes it's just that I'm not lovable for a moment…and that makes it hard for me to pour out what I'm not feeling. BUT, I think it's so important for teenagers to feel love from someone. They've got to have it…and unfortunately they aren't always getting that at home.

#3 - Many of our kids need people who will not only love them, but actually hear what they say. I can be honest - I don't always "hear" what my kid says. Because he is mine and my agenda in raising him is to raise him to be a responsible adult. And there are days that I don't want to hear his opinion, his reasoning, or just his general words. But someone, somewhere needs to hear those words. And I know that he has places to get those out. More than that, our kids need people who can give them wise counsel…and I don't know about you, but I never saw my parents as "wise" people (that has changed by the way…but at 16, 17, etc. they were not wise in my eyes). All kids are like that, though…they don't think their parents know jack-diddly-squat…but someone who is not "raising" them? Those people have all the knowledge. I want to give them a good Godly place to receive that wise counsel...because if they can't get it from me, they'll try to find it elsewhere. And there is no guarantee that what they will hear is truly Godly...or even good.

#4 - I am constantly brokenhearted for our teens. When our teens mess up, this weighs heavily on me. I take responsibility. I want to make sure that whatever has happened doesn't happen again. I want them to see that I truly understand what it means to make stupid, teenage mistakes that have important, adult consequences. I want to grieve with them…I want to weep with them…I want to get angry with them…and I want to heal with them. I pray for them often…sometimes collectively…sometimes individually. I just want to see them be the best part of who they are. I want to do whatever I can to encourage them in this…to encourage them to use their talents…to see that they become the best version of their self.

#5 - Not only do I want to love on them, I want to pour the love of Jesus on them. I want them to understand and know what real-time grace & mercy feel like. I want them to understand that so well that they have no other choice than to pour that out on others around them. I want them to SHINE with the love of Jesus in this very dark world. There's no way I can effectively explain God's love…I don't think I really & truly understood exactly what God did for us until I had my own child. And I know that I could never do for anyone else what God did for me. The best way for me to try to make our teens understand this is by loving them with this amazing kind of love.

I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. I'm not trying to say that I am. I've made mistakes…I've messed up…and here's the truth - I'll probably do it again.

At the end of the day, though, if I'm not willing to love our students, then I might as well not even bother showing up.

And THAT, my friends, is why I DO youth ministry. It's not for me…it's only for God's glory…to bring honor to Him. And for this time, He has given me this awesome opportunity to do all of the above. I can't imagine a more important and more fun ministry to be a part of.

Other than children's ministry…and He lets me do that as well.

:)

Why I Do Youth Ministry - Part One

Recently (and by recently I mean within the last 3 months) one of our students asked me "why I hang around with children all the time". At first, I thought she was referencing my work in the Clubhouse with what I actually consider as "children"; however, she was really referring to herself and her peers. I can't remember the answer I gave her at the time…and honestly I think she was really joking around with me…but the question has been on my mind ever since she asked it.

Because really & truly, if my motives are not true…then I shouldn't even bother.

AND THEY CAN TELL WHEN YOUR MOTIVES AREN'T TRUE!

And that's what I've been considering since she asked…WHY do I do youth ministry?

So…I'm going to attempt to tell you why I do youth ministry and why I think it's important.

BUT FIRST…I would be doing a disservice if I didn't consider some of the more popular reasons that other people think that I (and my fellow youth leaders) do youth ministry.

#1 - To go on lavish, all-expense paid trips.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! While part of that is somewhat true…I do go on trips and the cost for me to go on said trip is usually covered (after I have worked alongside our teenagers at every car wash, meal, fund raiser, etc.)…there is nothing lavish about spending any more than 20 minutes in a 15-passenger van with teenagers. The smells alone will keep one from even imagining for a moment that you are going to some tropical paradise.

And lavish?  I spent one youth trip sleeping on a very uncomfortable couch every night. The most lavish part of that trip was that we had a pool at the house we were staying in. A pool that I never got into. Now…when we take a youth trip to Hawaii or a cruise to the Bahamas?  Maybe we can give lavish a little credo.

Also…I don't consider a trip where I maybe get 10 hours of sleep over a 5 day period lavish. Nor do I consider a trip where I have to keep up with 20+ teenagers lavish. I have a hard enough time keeping up with one.

#2 - Because you are still young & fun.

Yeah…no. I have an 18 year old son that will tell you all the ways that I am neither young nor fun.  Just ask him.

#3 - Because you have nothing else to do.

Honestly, I love having nothing to do. My favorite thing is to discover that I have nowhere to be and nothing that must be done. And when I find myself with this rare treat, I don't call up 20 of my favorite teenagers and plan a trip.

I lay in bed, drink coffee, read a book, and/or watch TV.

THAT's what I do when I have nothing else to do.

So…why do I actually do youth ministry?  I'll tell you tomorrow.

:)

Eighteen

Tomorrow my "baby" turns 18.  I just cannot believe it.  I promise, just the other day he was 3...I blinked and here we are.

In the wee small hours of the morning (I woke up at 3am this morning - caffeine often has a strange effect on me...instead of keeping me up for hours, I go to sleep thinking that the caffeine hasn't affected me at all...and then BAM, I wake up at 3am and I'm up until it's time to get up)...

Anyway, in the wee small hours of the morning, I decided to blog about my boy being 18. My first thoughts were toward a sweet, sappy, reflective writing thinking back to 18 years ago and having no clue what I was in for...but getting the best blessing ever.  And then, as I got closer to morning, I decided to do something that maybe had a little more humor...and possibly still subjected to the sweet, sappy reflections...

This bi-polar approach can be blamed on Kate Conner...this is what I was reading at 3am...and 4am...her blog is not bi-polar per se...but it contains the truths I need to hear infused with the humor of living life with three kids. If you don't read her blog, you should.

Again...I digress...

So, without further adieu...here are 10 things I've learned by being Dylan's mom:

#1 - One of Dylan's preschool teachers gave me the BEST parenting advice ever...she said "If it's not immoral, illegal, or a potential danger to the child or others, don't sweat it". I can honestly say, I took that to heart. Hear me say, there is a time & place for discipline and self-control...but there are battles that we don't need to wage with our children. Wearing matching clothes...while embarrassing to you at the moment...is not that big of a deal. And just think, one day you can pull that picture out showing off their most hideous outfit choice, and the embarrassment will be theirs!

I did put my foot down on wearing socks with tennis shoes...there is no place for feet in tennis shoes without socks. That's just gross.

#2 - "I don't have time to go to the emergency room" is a valid reason "why not" for whatever hair-brained, daredevil trick that your child wants to try. This should be your immediate reaction to "Hey, Mom! Watch this!"

#3 - If you have dirt, sand, or mulch within a 10 foot range of your child, you are going to have it in their pants, socks, shoes...and transferred to your house. No lie...one day I think I dumped an entire sandbox out of Dylan's pants. How the child had been walking around with all that sand is beyond me.

#4 - There is a reason that boys don't use hair dryers. I have the singed towel to prove it. When asked why in the world he stuck the hair dryer right up on the towel, the answer was "I wanted to see what would happen".

#5 - "I wanted to see what would happen" is the cause of 95% of childhood accidents.

#6 - Having several seasons worth of good, wholesome TV shows on DVD will come in handy if you have the misfortune of ending up in the hospital on a crazy sleep schedule. Before they days of 24-hours of Nick Jr. and Netflix, "The Cosby Show" on DVD was a lifesaver the one time that Dylan had to be hospitalized. It's also what caused him to be a "Cosby Show" addict.

#7 - Showing up to church, dragging along a child with no shirt, is perfectly acceptable if the child will not wear the shirt you have picked out for him. Of course, this was before I learned the lesson from #1.

#8 - If you thought that you had loved something as much as you could ever love something, then you are wrong. I don't think I ever understood how much love I contained until I had Dylan. And when I thought I loved him as much as I ever could, I was wrong. It just grows and grows and grows.

#9 - You kind of have to get used to your kid. I loved him right off the bat...no doubt about it. But liking him? That took a bit. There's nothing that tests likability better than having that little person completely dependent on you...waking you up every 2 hours (if you are lucky)...being more tired than you've ever been before...and have that little one screaming for no apparent reason.

#10 - Teach your children to be responsible people - responsible for their actions, responsible for their words, responsible for themselves in appearance and attitudes. Help them to own their faults and their shortcomings...and help them to put forth their strengths.

There is so much more that I have learned being Dylan's mom. This past year, especially, we've been learning together - Dylan learning what it means to be a more mature person; me learning to let go a little at a time. This parenting thing isn't for sissy's...it isn't for the faint of heart...and it certainly does take a strength that at times you don't think you have. BUT every smile, every laugh, every positive thing they do are worth all the hard days, all the rough nights, all the sick days.

Happy 18th to a kid that I'm most proud of. God is going to do wonderfully, crazy, big things with this kid.

Amazed

I have tossed this over and over in my head...and the word that keeps coming to mind is "amazed".

Just yesterday, it seems, Dylan & I were sitting at my parents kitchen table...looking through the HUNDREDS of college flyers, brochures, etc. that we had received...trying to narrow our focus to a small group of schools that would fit what Dylan wanted to major in.  That day we narrowed our focus to four schools - two that were near to home & small...two that were far away & large.  From those four, Dylan applied to three...and has been accepted at all three.

I never doubted for a minute that he would get in at Florida State or High Point University.  They are great schools and I knew that he not only met their minimum expectations, he exceeded them.  His SAT scores were great...his academic transcripts looked good.  He fit their "bill", so to speak.

The wild card was Wake Forest.  Such a prestigious school...such a small school...such a competitive school.  We just weren't sure.  One day Dylan & I both felt sure he could get in...then the next, doubt would overcome that and we figured it wouldn't happen.  And they take so long to let you know of a decision.  We've known the results from FSU & HPU since December...here we are in March & no formal decision.

That is, until last week...

Although, we didn't realize we actually had that decision until yesterday.

Dylan received a letter in the mail from Wake inviting him to interview for a scholarship. I only read down to the part that told us to RSVP & the details that he needed to send.  I kept wondering "how can they offer this opportunity if they haven't actually accepted him".  Yesterday, I read the WHOLE letter...down to the last paragraph that said (paraphrased) "because you are receiving this invitation, this means you have been accepted & your formal acceptance letter will come at the end of March".

And now my mind is reeling.

My kid was accepted to Wake Forest University.  I'm amazed.  Not because I didn't think he could do it...but it's just so surreal.

I keep going back to those days when I first found out I was pregnant...when I first wondered what in the world I was going to do with a baby. I remember going into a teacher conference with his 1st grade teacher who told me that Dylan was such a perfectionist that when he didn't perform well on his spelling tests, it really upset him...we began studying harder for those tests. Every step...every achievement to get to this point.

And I'm amazed.

In my wildest dreams, this is not what I could've even imagined for Dylan.

On Sunday night, we did a "thankfulness check" at our Youth Bible Study.  When it came to be my turn, I couldn't settle on one thing.  Not because I'm not thankful...but because I just have been given so much.  Someday's its almost overwhelming to look at this journey of the last 18 years...to see where we started...and to see where we've ended up.

Simply amazing.