Sometimes you just have to "fall apart".
And this afternoon was the afternoon for me to do so.
For the most part, I was having a perfectly good Monday...for a Monday, you know.
And then around 3pm I received an e-mail that began a downward spiral that ended with me sitting on my couch, falling apart.
I am not a cryer...I don't like to cry. I don't like to show weakness to anyone. I think I'm an ugly cryer, also. I don't cry pretty...it's more like a scrunched up face with tears running down my cheeks. Nothing "pretty" about that.
But sometimes it's a necessary part of the process.
I don't feel better...I won't even lie.
But I know that tomorrow is a new day, with new worries, with new celebrations.
And in the midst of me falling apart, almost minutes after I had checked Oliver's blog for updates on his progress...my sister sent me the sweetest picture of this baby...off his ventilator and smiling for the camera.
A new set of tears began.
For now, I'm doing what I tell our teens at church - I'm clinging to the promises that I have in God's word. It's amazing...just this morning I commented on Facebook about a recurring theme of "do not fear, for I will be with you". There were no less than three people who had posted one of the many times this is said in the Bible. Just recently I finished reading Deuteronomy & I'm in Joshua right now...over and over and over again Moses & Joshua repeat this command for the Israelites.
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9
"And the Lord said to Joshua, "Do not fear them, for I have delivered them into your hand; not a man of them shall stand before you." Joshua 1:8
"Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the Lord your God is the One who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6
And this one from Isaiah:
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:1
OK God - I've got it.
I mean, I might mess up and forget again in less than 12 hours...but I've got it.
And I'd just like to say "Thanks"...
Because I know I don't have this on my own.
Monday, April 8, 2013
Thursday, April 4, 2013
{Hope}
Much has happened since my last actual post...we took a trip to Fort Caswell with our Youth...I got another tattoo...and Oliver was born.
Just so you know...Oliver is not mine, but he is my sister's nephew. And his being has been a significant part of my thoughts for the last several weeks.
Several months ago my sister sent me a text...I don't remember the exact words...but I do remember her telling me that they believed that her nephew to be born had a heart condition. I found out later that it was also determined that he has Down's Syndrome. He was to be born on March 19th at Chapel Hill where they were expecting to do immediate surgery to put a shunt into his heart to "fix" it.
Let it be noted that I think Oliver already has a mind of his own...
On Saturday, February 23 my sister called to tell me that her nephew had been born...not at Chapel Hill, but in Wilmington (where his family lives). Her sister-in-law had gone into labor late on Friday night and had him very quickly early in the morning on Saturday. Also, he was to have been born by C-Section because his older sister was delivered in that way...but he couldn't wait to be part of this world and he was delivered "the old fashioned way". It took the doctors a while to get him stable, but soon...he was OKish.
For almost 4 weeks he was in the NICU at a hospital in Wilmington and they were hoping to put off his heart surgery until he was 6-9 months old. They even prepared to take him home...ironically on March 20th (the day after he was to have been born)...but his condition changed and he was airlifted to Chapel Hill, where he underwent open heart surgery on March 21st.
His recovery has been up and down since then...mostly down. It's been heartbreaking to hear from my sister and to read Oliver's dad's blog regarding his condition. The thing they most feared was that he would have to have a second surgery...which he did, yesterday.
Prior to that, Oliver's mother was given a gift...the opportunity to hold her sweet baby on Monday for the first time since his surgery on the 21st. As a mother, I can't imagine watching my child, day in & day out...knowing that he is hurting...and knowing that I can't cuddle him to me to try to soothe his pain. But for an hour on Monday, his mother had the opportunity to do just that...to hold him and love on him. My sister sent me the picture...the joy was evident on his mother's face.
The last news that I got from my sister was that Oliver was stable & that his stats after this surgery compared to the first surgery are much better. This is encouraging...and give us all what we need most in the midst of this...hope.
I have tried to understand how my heart has become so involved in this little life that is in no way related to me. I have cried and cried over him...prayed and begged God to be with him and his parents. I know that part of it is compassion...and I'm not an uncompassionate person. But at the same time, I'm also not the one to be found weeping over people so far removed from me.
I just know that God has burdened me to pray over this little life. I began to think about the prayers I have lifted up in the past...and I honestly am not sure I've ever prayed so consistently and so passionately for anything in my life.
Which may just be what God wants from me in all of this.
I have been humbled & amazed to see how God is answering prayers for Oliver. One of my specific prayers was that his parents be given some kind of hope...something to hold on to in the midst of his ever changing condition...something that they could believe in. I truly feel that God answered that prayer on Monday when his mother was allowed to hold him. For an hour on Monday, Oliver was not just a sick little baby...he was his mother's child. Just being able to hold him had to inject some hope that this was all going to be OK. I have also been encouraged by the news of his bettering condition.
And I know that this all must be God's loving touch on Oliver's little body.
I don't know what the next few days holds for this baby...but I'm praying & believing that this second surgery is what was needed to improve him...and to allow his parents to bring him home...to bring their little family back together.
Just so you know...Oliver is not mine, but he is my sister's nephew. And his being has been a significant part of my thoughts for the last several weeks.
Several months ago my sister sent me a text...I don't remember the exact words...but I do remember her telling me that they believed that her nephew to be born had a heart condition. I found out later that it was also determined that he has Down's Syndrome. He was to be born on March 19th at Chapel Hill where they were expecting to do immediate surgery to put a shunt into his heart to "fix" it.
Let it be noted that I think Oliver already has a mind of his own...
On Saturday, February 23 my sister called to tell me that her nephew had been born...not at Chapel Hill, but in Wilmington (where his family lives). Her sister-in-law had gone into labor late on Friday night and had him very quickly early in the morning on Saturday. Also, he was to have been born by C-Section because his older sister was delivered in that way...but he couldn't wait to be part of this world and he was delivered "the old fashioned way". It took the doctors a while to get him stable, but soon...he was OKish.
For almost 4 weeks he was in the NICU at a hospital in Wilmington and they were hoping to put off his heart surgery until he was 6-9 months old. They even prepared to take him home...ironically on March 20th (the day after he was to have been born)...but his condition changed and he was airlifted to Chapel Hill, where he underwent open heart surgery on March 21st.
His recovery has been up and down since then...mostly down. It's been heartbreaking to hear from my sister and to read Oliver's dad's blog regarding his condition. The thing they most feared was that he would have to have a second surgery...which he did, yesterday.
Prior to that, Oliver's mother was given a gift...the opportunity to hold her sweet baby on Monday for the first time since his surgery on the 21st. As a mother, I can't imagine watching my child, day in & day out...knowing that he is hurting...and knowing that I can't cuddle him to me to try to soothe his pain. But for an hour on Monday, his mother had the opportunity to do just that...to hold him and love on him. My sister sent me the picture...the joy was evident on his mother's face.
The last news that I got from my sister was that Oliver was stable & that his stats after this surgery compared to the first surgery are much better. This is encouraging...and give us all what we need most in the midst of this...hope.
I have tried to understand how my heart has become so involved in this little life that is in no way related to me. I have cried and cried over him...prayed and begged God to be with him and his parents. I know that part of it is compassion...and I'm not an uncompassionate person. But at the same time, I'm also not the one to be found weeping over people so far removed from me.
I just know that God has burdened me to pray over this little life. I began to think about the prayers I have lifted up in the past...and I honestly am not sure I've ever prayed so consistently and so passionately for anything in my life.
Which may just be what God wants from me in all of this.
I have been humbled & amazed to see how God is answering prayers for Oliver. One of my specific prayers was that his parents be given some kind of hope...something to hold on to in the midst of his ever changing condition...something that they could believe in. I truly feel that God answered that prayer on Monday when his mother was allowed to hold him. For an hour on Monday, Oliver was not just a sick little baby...he was his mother's child. Just being able to hold him had to inject some hope that this was all going to be OK. I have also been encouraged by the news of his bettering condition.
And I know that this all must be God's loving touch on Oliver's little body.
I don't know what the next few days holds for this baby...but I'm praying & believing that this second surgery is what was needed to improve him...and to allow his parents to bring him home...to bring their little family back together.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
For your Wednesday Night Viewing Pleasure...
I have to admit that both of these pics (borrowed from each show's Facebook page) have been cracking me up. As a fan of both shows, it's a hard pick...but since it's been almost a year since a new Psych has been on the air, I'll be tuning in to USA at 10pm...and letting the DVR catch Duck Dynasty (sorry Si!). Dylan & I even prepared by watching Santabarbaratown last night.
It's gonna be a good Wednesday night! :)
Thursday, February 14, 2013
{ Leo }
When Dylan was younger, he wanted nothing more than for us to have a dog. He would ask...I would turn him down. Finally, when he was about 7, my dad read an ad in the paper a lady had posted. She had three basset hounds that were free to good homes. By the time we got to go look at them, she had one left...and when we left she had none. Rosie came home with us that day and was such a sweet, sweet dog. She ended up going blind...which meant that when we moved out of Mom & Dad's house, she couldn't go with us. Plus, we don't have a fenced yard...and she loved to be outside most of the day.
A few years ago, Mom & Dad noticed that Rosie was having trouble getting up & down the stairs going into the back door from the yard. Dad took her to the vet, only to find out that she was suffering from nerve damage in her hindquarters...and the vet could give her meds for the pain, but she would most likely go downhill very quickly and she would be in a great deal of pain. We made the heartbreaking decision to have Rosie put to sleep.
About a month later, someone messaged me on Facebook about another 2 basset hounds that were available for free...and so Mom & Dad have ended up with Cookie...another sweet, if not a little too people dependent, basset hound. She really is perfect for them...she's playful, loves the kiddos and has a sweet disposition.
After we moved out, Dylan begged me to get him a dog for our house. I told him "no" over and over again. This past summer, Dylan turned 16. I could've gotten him any number of things for his 16th birthday, but I wanted this to be a special gift...and so I decided this was the year Dylan would get a dog.
I began my search through Craigslist - Dylan had wanted a beagle for a long time. I found a few possibilities...but some were older dogs and some were rescues. I didn't want a dog for a few years that we would have to put to sleep or would pass on due to age...and, while I have the utmost respect for people who take in rescue dogs, I knew that I couldn't do that. I needed a dog that was not too old, I preferred one not too young, that would be playful and would play well with little ones. On July 3rd (two days after Dylan's birthday), I saw an ad on Craigslist for a lemon beagle. I almost didn't click on it because there was no picture, but I was starting to get impatient to find a dog. The lady e-mailed me back very quickly and included a pic of a sweet brown & white dog. I arranged to meet her the next morning...and enter into our lives Leo.
Leo was just over a year old when we got him and he couldn't be a more perfect dog for us. He's playful...but can be low key. Even though he's not too old, he still has some of the puppy...but he likes his sleep too. He's a snuggly dog. He sleeps with Dylan almost every night...and when Dylan's not there, he sleeps with me. He loves Aly & Ayden and they love him back. He's such a sweet heart. And as you can see...he & Dylan are good friends!
So, we are now a dog family...and I couldn't be happier with our friend. :)
A few years ago, Mom & Dad noticed that Rosie was having trouble getting up & down the stairs going into the back door from the yard. Dad took her to the vet, only to find out that she was suffering from nerve damage in her hindquarters...and the vet could give her meds for the pain, but she would most likely go downhill very quickly and she would be in a great deal of pain. We made the heartbreaking decision to have Rosie put to sleep.
About a month later, someone messaged me on Facebook about another 2 basset hounds that were available for free...and so Mom & Dad have ended up with Cookie...another sweet, if not a little too people dependent, basset hound. She really is perfect for them...she's playful, loves the kiddos and has a sweet disposition.
After we moved out, Dylan begged me to get him a dog for our house. I told him "no" over and over again. This past summer, Dylan turned 16. I could've gotten him any number of things for his 16th birthday, but I wanted this to be a special gift...and so I decided this was the year Dylan would get a dog.
I began my search through Craigslist - Dylan had wanted a beagle for a long time. I found a few possibilities...but some were older dogs and some were rescues. I didn't want a dog for a few years that we would have to put to sleep or would pass on due to age...and, while I have the utmost respect for people who take in rescue dogs, I knew that I couldn't do that. I needed a dog that was not too old, I preferred one not too young, that would be playful and would play well with little ones. On July 3rd (two days after Dylan's birthday), I saw an ad on Craigslist for a lemon beagle. I almost didn't click on it because there was no picture, but I was starting to get impatient to find a dog. The lady e-mailed me back very quickly and included a pic of a sweet brown & white dog. I arranged to meet her the next morning...and enter into our lives Leo.
Leo was just over a year old when we got him and he couldn't be a more perfect dog for us. He's playful...but can be low key. Even though he's not too old, he still has some of the puppy...but he likes his sleep too. He's a snuggly dog. He sleeps with Dylan almost every night...and when Dylan's not there, he sleeps with me. He loves Aly & Ayden and they love him back. He's such a sweet heart. And as you can see...he & Dylan are good friends!
So, we are now a dog family...and I couldn't be happier with our friend. :)
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Starting Over
"Starting over" seems a bit dramatic...but since it's been SEVERAL months since I've posted here, it's very much like a new beginning. I've missed blogging...I've just not really had the time to put forth here.
Yesterday afternoon, when I was trying to kill some time, I decided I need to do some "clean up" on my reading list.
You know what I found?
I'm not the only one who stopped blogging.
I haven't finished cleaning up my reading list (mostly because blogger makes it kind of painful...so if there's an easier way to quickly reduce my reading list, please share!) but I plan to simplify. I may link up to a few meme's here and there, but for the most part...this is going to be for me.
So, here goes. We'll see how things go...if I find the time to put a little bit of myself here. We shall see.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
My Halloween Pumpkin Project
Originally I saw this cute pumpkin on Pinterest and pinned it to my Halloween board. Later, I was on the Better Homes & Gardens website and saw it again (http://www.bhg.com/halloween/pumpkin-decorating/pumpkin-decorating-ideas/).
However, this appears to be on a real pumpkin...and I really feel like if I'm going to put that much effort towards something, I need to invest a little into a craft pumpkin.
I didn't want to invest TOO much, though. The craft pumpkins at Hobby Lobby were upwards of $35. Even at 40% off, that's a little much for me.
Luckily, I had seen a craft pumpkin at Target that was $12...so, yes, I went with the cheaper pumpkin! :)
My next set back was finding black buttons. Where do you buy large quantities of single color, yet various sizes/styles of buttons? I came up with nothing.
And then, I went to Mom...who I think has everything craftily necessary...and who also told me I could SPRAY PAINT the buttons black! Truly, she has several old tins full of buttons, all shapes, all sizes, all colors! SCORE!
This is how I crafted my Halloween pumpkin:
1. Spray paint buttons black - I just used the $.96 spray paint from Wal-Mart. I got the glossy paint, because I wanted my buttons to have a little shine. Also...just to let you know...buttons are light...and tend to move around when you spray them. I have no tips on keeping them still...but I thought you should know.
2. Print out your letters and cut them out - I think my font size was 350 and I just used Times New Roman. I wanted the serifs on the "B"...so this worked for me. Also...a tip...print these on card stock if possible. I printed one "O" on cardstock accidently (because that's what Mom had left in her printer) but used regular paper for the "B"...the "O" was much easier to trace around...which brings me to:
3. Position your letters on the pumpkin, using a small piece of scotch tape to keep them in place and trace around using a pencil.
4. Using your buttons, fill in the letters using hot glue.**
5. Paint the stem black and tie a pretty black ribbon around the stem.
And you are done! :)
My total cost in this project:
Pumpkin - $12
Buttons - Free
Spray Paint - $1
Black paint for stem - already had on hand
Ribbon - $2
Hot glue - already had on hand
That's a grand total of $15.
I couldn't be happier with the outcome! :)
Happy Halloween!
**OK - I wrote these instructions BEFORE I was actually finished...and I would NOT use hot glue again. You can, but it leaves strings of glue and, what's even worse, the hot glue oozes out of the button holes when you are pressing them on to the pumpkin. SO...you can use hot glue...but I think a good strong craft glue would work better. :)
However, this appears to be on a real pumpkin...and I really feel like if I'm going to put that much effort towards something, I need to invest a little into a craft pumpkin.
I didn't want to invest TOO much, though. The craft pumpkins at Hobby Lobby were upwards of $35. Even at 40% off, that's a little much for me.
Luckily, I had seen a craft pumpkin at Target that was $12...so, yes, I went with the cheaper pumpkin! :)
My next set back was finding black buttons. Where do you buy large quantities of single color, yet various sizes/styles of buttons? I came up with nothing.
And then, I went to Mom...who I think has everything craftily necessary...and who also told me I could SPRAY PAINT the buttons black! Truly, she has several old tins full of buttons, all shapes, all sizes, all colors! SCORE!
This is how I crafted my Halloween pumpkin:
1. Spray paint buttons black - I just used the $.96 spray paint from Wal-Mart. I got the glossy paint, because I wanted my buttons to have a little shine. Also...just to let you know...buttons are light...and tend to move around when you spray them. I have no tips on keeping them still...but I thought you should know.
2. Print out your letters and cut them out - I think my font size was 350 and I just used Times New Roman. I wanted the serifs on the "B"...so this worked for me. Also...a tip...print these on card stock if possible. I printed one "O" on cardstock accidently (because that's what Mom had left in her printer) but used regular paper for the "B"...the "O" was much easier to trace around...which brings me to:
3. Position your letters on the pumpkin, using a small piece of scotch tape to keep them in place and trace around using a pencil.
4. Using your buttons, fill in the letters using hot glue.**
5. Paint the stem black and tie a pretty black ribbon around the stem.
And you are done! :)
My total cost in this project:
Pumpkin - $12
Buttons - Free
Spray Paint - $1
Black paint for stem - already had on hand
Ribbon - $2
Hot glue - already had on hand
That's a grand total of $15.
I couldn't be happier with the outcome! :)
Happy Halloween!
**OK - I wrote these instructions BEFORE I was actually finished...and I would NOT use hot glue again. You can, but it leaves strings of glue and, what's even worse, the hot glue oozes out of the button holes when you are pressing them on to the pumpkin. SO...you can use hot glue...but I think a good strong craft glue would work better. :)
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Catching Up...again
It's been more than three months since I updated my blog...and not because I didn't want to. Trust me - there have been several days that I thought "I really need to update my blog". But there has been no time. My job is crazy busy these days...my computer is still in a million pieces...and even if it weren't, by the time I get home I just want to do nothing. Things have smoothed out this week...but I'm just waiting for the next wave to hit. About the time I think that all is calm & smooth, that's when I get lulled into feeling as if things are finally caught up and even and I won't be stressed anymore...
and then BAM...here we go again.
So, what have I been up to since my last blog post (which was a scheduled post for July 4th)?
Other than running around like a chicken with my head cut off...I:
- Went to Florida on a mission trip with our student ministry the last week of July. We had an AWESOME time working with the Orlando Rescue Mission and getting to know the kids that live there. This is our second time there and, as I was last year, I was truly humbled and thankful for the life that God has blessed me with. The children that are living there have come from homes and situations that I can not even imagine and in this place they have found happiness and safety for a moment. It is truly a blessing to be a small part of their lives for this week.
- Went to the beach with my family in August. When I got back from Florida (without Dylan - left him behind with his Dad & other Orlando family), my mom told me she & my Dad had decided to go to Emerald Isle for vacation. I told her that I would be tagging along (joking) and her reply was that she hoped Dylan & I would. I don't need much more of an invitation than that! So, we went down halfway through their vacation...my sister, brother-in-law, niece & nephew also came down...and we had three great days of beach vacation with the family!
- Went to Fort Caswell with Ashley & Zac in September. Zac's birthday is September 10th and we all grew up going to Fort Caswell for summer camp. Caswell is such a special place - full of great memories. Zac started going down for his birthday a few years ago...a couple of years ago, they invited Dylan & I to go along...and then again this year. Another great beach trip.
And I think that catches me up with where I am now. No big trips or plans from here forward...which is probably a good thing because I'm not sure how much more my checking account can take!
I would love to tell you that I'm going to start blogging daily, weekly or even monthly...but at this point in my life I just don't know. For those of you who catch my quarterly posts, thank you. Thanks for hanging in there and making sure I'm still alive!
Hope to see you soon...Jenn
and then BAM...here we go again.
So, what have I been up to since my last blog post (which was a scheduled post for July 4th)?
Other than running around like a chicken with my head cut off...I:
- Went to Florida on a mission trip with our student ministry the last week of July. We had an AWESOME time working with the Orlando Rescue Mission and getting to know the kids that live there. This is our second time there and, as I was last year, I was truly humbled and thankful for the life that God has blessed me with. The children that are living there have come from homes and situations that I can not even imagine and in this place they have found happiness and safety for a moment. It is truly a blessing to be a small part of their lives for this week.
- Went to the beach with my family in August. When I got back from Florida (without Dylan - left him behind with his Dad & other Orlando family), my mom told me she & my Dad had decided to go to Emerald Isle for vacation. I told her that I would be tagging along (joking) and her reply was that she hoped Dylan & I would. I don't need much more of an invitation than that! So, we went down halfway through their vacation...my sister, brother-in-law, niece & nephew also came down...and we had three great days of beach vacation with the family!
- Went to Fort Caswell with Ashley & Zac in September. Zac's birthday is September 10th and we all grew up going to Fort Caswell for summer camp. Caswell is such a special place - full of great memories. Zac started going down for his birthday a few years ago...a couple of years ago, they invited Dylan & I to go along...and then again this year. Another great beach trip.
And I think that catches me up with where I am now. No big trips or plans from here forward...which is probably a good thing because I'm not sure how much more my checking account can take!
I would love to tell you that I'm going to start blogging daily, weekly or even monthly...but at this point in my life I just don't know. For those of you who catch my quarterly posts, thank you. Thanks for hanging in there and making sure I'm still alive!
Hope to see you soon...Jenn
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