This post may be long...in fact, I may split it in two. And I have to go ahead & qualify, some of this is going to be vague...because while there are things that didn't happen to me directly they impacted me greatly. But they are not my stories to tell or they aren't the stories that I can tell right now. And finally, this post is going to be a little raw...a little transparent...a little hard to put "out there" and even harder to know that people are going to read it; however, I think it's important. And I've had these words swirling around in my brain for months...they demand to be put down on paper...or computer screen...or what have you...
So here goes...
In 2015 I participated in 2 missions trips...both extremely life changing. In ways that I couldn't have even imagined. The effects of these combined trips have affected my life from henceforth and, I believe, directly altered the path of my life...in so many good ways. There will be more to this in the future...but for right now, vagueness #1. ;)
In coming back from Armenia the first time, I struggled. Struggled with seeing the world from a different viewpoint...struggled with reconciling my life here in the US after being out of the country...and, quite honestly, struggled to regain a normal sleep schedule after crossing basically 8 time zones. Jet lag is serious business & a monster that almost took me under. I could not sleep regularly for about 2 months. I don't really know if it was the jet lag or just the combined stuggles...but this was a tough period in my life. Jet lag is the only thing I really remember about the time period other than a small bit of depression. There were days that I had to make lists...like a chore list - do laundry, paint toe nails, watch this show - or I would just sit in a chair & stare at the TV aimlessly until I felt it was sufficient time to go to bed...and not sleep. Slowly, the fog lifted and life became "easier"...you know, as easy is life can really be. God had already been working to reveal some pretty major things in my life BEFORE I went on this trip...all good stuff...and He was continuing to work in my life.
Early in 2016, I committed for another trip to NYC & then with Dylan to Armenia. But what was more significant was the awareness that God was asking me to leave the Children's Ministry at our church. It was bizarre to me...and I truly struggled. I didn't understand. Children's Ministry had been my passion for as long as I could remember. I had been serving in one capacity or another in our children's ministry since the day they told me I could be a nursery worker...at 13 or 14. I had taught Sunday School, Children's Choir, worked in Children's Church...and I felt like that's where God had gifted me...but all of the sudden, He said "It's time to go." So, in June of 2016, I taught my last Clubhouse lesson and said farewell to Children's Ministry.
I don't find it coincidental at all that our church began to discuss hiring a Children's (& Youth) Minister as I was struggling to determine how God could ask me to give up this ministry. It was the confirmation to me that I wasn't mistaking what God was telling me; but it was still confusing to me.
When someone has their identity so tied up in a ministry, even if they aren't a "full time minister", leaving that ministry is hard. Even when God says to go. All of the sudden, I didn't really have a "place" in our church. And as much as I struggled to leave children's ministry, it was a struggle to find a new identity within my church. I re-joined our church's Praise Team because this was something I had done before I completely committed to children's ministry service full time on Sunday mornings. It was the one thing that I had missed so much and was so excited to come back to. I love music...I love God speaking to me through music. But once again, I struggled...I struggled with insecurity about my place in this team...even if I should be doing this. It was a hard place...
In October of 2016, I found out some news that left me reeling. Vagueness #2 coming your way. This one is certainly not my story to tell, but the impact of this left me hollow...grieving for a loss that I couldn't comprehend...that I couldn't wrap my mind around. This began a hard season in my life...watching, waiting, praying, hoping, etc, etc, etc.
As we moved into 2017, my aunt lost her fight with cancer. I simply had no idea how the loss of her life was going to impact me so greatly. The loss was bittersweet - no more suffering, in the arms of Jesus...but the loss on earth was a tough one. She left behind children and grandchildren that will miss her dearly...but she also left a legacy of literally hundreds of children that were taught by her as 4 & 5 year old children. She had been passionate about children's ministry for the majority of her life. My small 25 years or so in children's ministry paled in comparison to her 40+ years in children's ministry. It's not a contest...and that's not my point. But as I looked across her grandchildren, my eyes continually found James...the baby...the one who would not have the benefit of his MawMaw West. And I grieved for the loss that he would never understand.
The same weekend of my aunt's funeral, my car "died" for lack of a better word...which launched me into about 4 months of waiting, looking, trying to find a new (to me) car, and a lot of frustration.
As 2017 has continued, I have struggled in many ways...but I would be remiss if I didn't also mention the victories. In January, we were awaiting word on Dylan's scholarships. His sophomore year was tough...he had his own struggles but just slipped by with the minimum required GPA for his scholarship to renew...and it only renewed for the Fall semester pending his performance in the Fall. He worked hard & I know it sounds sappy (because he told me so) but I was so proud of him. He gave it all he could...and if he wasn't able to continue, he was OK with that. There was a small back up plan that would keep him in school, but it wasn't one we wanted to go to.
On January 4th, I received his statement...where I had been expecting about $4500 to be due for him to continue, his statement was showing double that. I remember sitting on my bed, praying & weeping. I had no idea how we were going to make this happen. One thing I noticed, though, was that his loans were not showing against the balance...which made up the difference between what I was expecting & what was shown. I emailed Financial Services and received the explanation that the statement was dated January 1...the loans hadn't been applied yet, but if I looked at my "daily status" I would see that they were applied. I logged on and about fell out of my chair. Instead of the $4500 due, Dylan's account showed a $500 credit. Not only had the loans applied, but his scholarships had renewed.
Later in February, I was able to sell my "dead" car to a lady who had offered to buy my car several times. I didn't get what I could've gotten for an "alive" car, but I got enough to pay off Dylan's car a year early. And in May, I was able to buy a new-to-me car that is just amazing.
So, why do I share all of this?
Because I'm still struggling...day in, day out. There have been victories...but there has still been grief & disappointment...heartache...sadness...pain...etc...etc...etc.
And I see others around me struggling as well. And I guess I want them to know...they aren't alone.
Even if...God is still good.
This is something that has been resonating with me lately. A month or so ago, I was heavily into the life of David. I listened to Andy Stanley's messages about the life of David and in my own personal Bible reading (oh yeah...I've struggled with this too) I was reading about the life of David at the same time. I have been fascinated with David. "A man after God's own heart"...certainly not a perfect man...and that's what has caught my attention & made me just sit in awe of David. Even before he "messed up royally" with Bathsheba, David's life wasn't easy. David was anointed as the next King of Israel while another king was still on the throne...another King that David not only respected, but went up against a giant to honor the King & rid Israel of this enemy. Later, David is hunted down by this same King who is jealous of David. And I have to wonder...when David was running for his life from King Saul...when he was hiding in other countries...hiding in the very cave where King Saul came in to "do his business"...knowing the whole time that God had called him to more...I think David must have struggled himself. In fact, I'm fairly certain of it when you read the Psalms. David was a man after God's own heart...but I know from the book of Psalms that he often wondered where God was in the midst of his struggle. BUT over & over, David reminds himself...and now us thousands of years later...that his trust is in the Lord. The Lord who brought victory over the giant...the Lord who has promised to bring him to the other side of this...the Lord who surely protected him from King Saul...and finally made him victorious over King Saul.
Even if...He is good.
Even through my struggles...I'm reminded that God has brought me through so much that I can't NOT believe that He has left me in this. Every day I pray (or as often as I pray...because, you guessed it...struggle) that God will use these struggles to refine me...to strengthen me...to make me a woman after His own heart.
And I'm clinging to the fact that God's goodness is not dependent on me or my circumstances...but His goodness is constant. Even if...
Showing posts with label pondering. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pondering. Show all posts
Thursday, June 22, 2017
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Lent
I wanted to make my title a little more catchy - like "Giving Up Lint for Lent"...but it seemed a little sacriligious...so I'm just sticking with the simple.
Last night, not sure why, but I asked Dylan when Lent begins. And I'm not sure why I even thought about asking Dylan...because all I got from him was teenage shrug, raised eyebrows that said "why are you asking me" and a gruff "I don't know".
So, of course, trusty iPhone in hand...I googled it. And found out that this coming Wednesday is "Ash Wednesday" and the beginning of the Lent season.
Quite honestly, I don't know that much about Lent. I know that it's a time of self sacrifice and it's the 40 days leading to Easter. I know that Protestants don't truly observe Lent, as a Catholic would...but every year as I begin to hear about "Fat Tuesday" and Mardi Gras and the other things leading up to Lent, I always think...what could I give up?
One year, our Pastor asked us to give up something during the season of Lent as part of a churchwide fast of sorts. He actually fasted for the 40 days, while others gave up sugar, coffee, TV and other things that they really enjoyed. I personally gave up TV for the 40 days. And truth be told, it wasn't that difficult.
But I don't really know that I truly embraced the meaning of Lent. Truly the act of abstaining from food or an activity that you enjoy is meant to be replaced with times of more focused prayer, scripture reading and meditation on God's word. I'm pretty sure that instead of filling my evenings with continuous TV watching, I read - and not my Bible. I don't remember spending time meditating on God's word, nor do I remember praying any more than I do normally.
Every year, I think - I really should give something up for Lent. And every year, the 40 days pass, without my observance...and once again, I think "next year".
I'm aiming to turn "next year" into "this year". Lent has snuck up on me, though...but I don't think it's too late. By the end of this week, I am determined to come up with that one thing that I can give up for Lent. Either sugar, TV, desserts, candy...any of those things would be good places to start.
Do you observe Lent? If so, what do you give up?
Last night, not sure why, but I asked Dylan when Lent begins. And I'm not sure why I even thought about asking Dylan...because all I got from him was teenage shrug, raised eyebrows that said "why are you asking me" and a gruff "I don't know".
So, of course, trusty iPhone in hand...I googled it. And found out that this coming Wednesday is "Ash Wednesday" and the beginning of the Lent season.
Quite honestly, I don't know that much about Lent. I know that it's a time of self sacrifice and it's the 40 days leading to Easter. I know that Protestants don't truly observe Lent, as a Catholic would...but every year as I begin to hear about "Fat Tuesday" and Mardi Gras and the other things leading up to Lent, I always think...what could I give up?
One year, our Pastor asked us to give up something during the season of Lent as part of a churchwide fast of sorts. He actually fasted for the 40 days, while others gave up sugar, coffee, TV and other things that they really enjoyed. I personally gave up TV for the 40 days. And truth be told, it wasn't that difficult.
But I don't really know that I truly embraced the meaning of Lent. Truly the act of abstaining from food or an activity that you enjoy is meant to be replaced with times of more focused prayer, scripture reading and meditation on God's word. I'm pretty sure that instead of filling my evenings with continuous TV watching, I read - and not my Bible. I don't remember spending time meditating on God's word, nor do I remember praying any more than I do normally.
Every year, I think - I really should give something up for Lent. And every year, the 40 days pass, without my observance...and once again, I think "next year".
I'm aiming to turn "next year" into "this year". Lent has snuck up on me, though...but I don't think it's too late. By the end of this week, I am determined to come up with that one thing that I can give up for Lent. Either sugar, TV, desserts, candy...any of those things would be good places to start.
Do you observe Lent? If so, what do you give up?
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
What-if?
Did you ever read those “Choose Your Own Adventure” books when you were younger? I had a couple of those and used to love reading them. You would get to a certain spot in the story and YOU, as the reader, could choose how the story would continue. I would always read the story to the end with one path and then go back and re-read it choosing the opposite path. No matter how many twists you chose, the story had at least two very different outcomes…which I guess was the point of the book!
In yesterday’s Monday Minute, the question was raised, “Who is your what-if person?” …to which I replied, “I could probably write a whole post on this” and then proceeded to give three of my what-if’s. Of course, my good friend Ian commented, “How's about you do a whole post about #1?” Well, nothing like a thought-provoking question…ok and a good thunderstorm…to keep you up at night.
I will say, the “what-if” road is a slippery slope to travel. Trust me…I’ve been there before. And it’s only because I feel full grounded in the “what-did” that I feel like I’m able to share my “what-if’s”. There are a few “what-if’s” that I will not explore…it would just be too painful to try to see that part of my life NOT unfolding as it did. And I’m good with that. But at theinsistence encouragement of Ian, I’ll explore, for your reading pleasure, my what-if person(s)! :)
I first must give you a little background of me. As a high school student, I didn’t have one of those “these are the best days of my life” kind of high school experience. But it wasn’t horrible either. I had one small relationship as a freshman in high school…he “dated” me until another girl caught his interest and he moved on. It really wasn’t that big of a deal and we remained friends. It was hard for me to see most of the guys in my high school as “dating” material…I had known a lot of them since 3rd grade and the ones I didn’t know, didn’t seem to know me either. It was OK. I described myself once as “the girl that doesn't care if she has a guy or not, but secretly hoping that one will notice her”. But, as it were, I spent my high school days single…and not really upset about that. I was always the good girl…following rules…never testing my parents.
I think it’s important for you to know where I came from to understand where I went…
As a college freshman, I was young…immature…vulnerable. And that’s when I met my first “what-if”. His name was Travis and as I look back on the events, I see red flags everywhere. First, he was 23 to my very young 18 - he was a 5th year senior (double major). I met him at a football game where one of his friends tried to pick a fight with a guy sitting in front of us. He was rip roaring drunk…but he paid attention to me in a way no other guy before had. I dated Travis for 10 months…in all that time, he never once gave me an ounce of hope towards any kind of commitment. We’d go strong for a while…I’d get mad…we wouldn’t speak for a couple of weeks…and then the cycle would start all over again. He completely ignored my request to “stay pure” …although, I take partial blame in that in not sticking to my guns and putting myself in the position to be taken advantage of. And once the line was crossed, there was no going back. By that point, I had become a different person…not caring that I had made this major breach in the commitment to myself. And things finally came to a grinding halt the week before I was to move back for my sophomore year. I’d been begging him to meet my family…he kept putting it off. But he’d finally agreed that he would come to Boone on moving day to meet my parents. However, the week before, I could never get in touch with him. I called numerous times…left countless messages…and all for naught. He never returned one call. OK – he did…but I was two months into school and he’d finally gotten my number from a mutual friend. However, I’d moved on at that point to what-if #2. But, what-if I hadn’t? What-if I had not gotten tired of the on again/off again status of our relationship. What-if I had trailed along for a longer period of time…just waiting for him? I’m not sure…I said the other day that I most likely would’ve ended up divorced if I’d married him. I’m not sure that it would’ve ever come to that point…I’d like to think I would come to my senses before I made such a horrible decision. But what-if he’d been Dylan’s father? Now, there’s a question…one that I think I’ll just leave hanging out there. Because, I truly believe God protected me from that happening.
After the Travis fiasco, I met what-if #2…who became Dylan’s father. Well, didn’t “become”…he IS Dylan’s father. There is no “what-if I never met him” because the only way I wouldn’t have met him is if I hadn’t returned to school that year. Because, as it turned out, Andrew was my neighbor. My sophomore year, I lived in a co-ed dorm. They were suites…but the floors were co-ed. My roommates were determined to hook someone up with one of our neighbors…and I guess they felt like I needed to get away from the caustic relationship with Travis. Enter Andrew. Andrew was a 180 from Travis. He was a “good guy”. When I found out I was pregnant, things began to disintegrate. It was then that I realized I didn’t really know Andrew. I didn’t know him the way that a person carrying his child should know him. But here’s the thing, I know looking back that if he’d asked, I would’ve married him. I would’ve made it right. He didn’t want to marry just because we were having a child…which on this side of things, I’m very thankful for. And after Dylan was a little over a year old, we began dating again for the third time…and almost did get married. And so, what-if we had married? Well, this is a path that’s hard to see as well. I probably wouldn’t be living in NC. I’d probably be a school teacher. But, would I be happy? After 15 years of knowing him, I can’t imagine that I would be. He’s not the part that completes me…our personalities don’t compliment each other at all. I’m not sure if this happened because we didn’t end up together or if this is the way it would’ve really been. Again, I’m thankful that we didn’t end up together…because I truly believe he would’ve driven me nuts.
I didn’t date for a long time after Andrew…seriously, Dylan was 6 the next time I tried the dating scene. First of all, I’m just not a “dater”…and with Dylan…I didn’t want to introduce guys in to his life without feeling like the guy would stick around. But, a friend had a friend she wanted to introduce me to. He was a police officer…hence my nickname, Policeman Dan. Dan is my biggest what-if. Mostly because he wasn’t horrible…he wasn’t mean…he didn’t have commitment issues…he didn’t have depression issues…but, after a while, he just couldn’t see us moving forward. I take a lot of the responsibility for this. I mean, I know it takes two to make a relationship work…but after Travis & Andrew, I closed myself off. It was hard to open up, and still is, and be real to anyone. I think that was the biggest thing for him…I never let him see the real, raw me. And that was most likely because I was scared of the real, raw me. But what-if I had let him in? What-if I’d been open? Would we have ended up together? What would our relationship have been like? Would we have been happy? Would we have gotten married? There was a time in my life that I thought I would have. I mean, after not dating anyone for 5 years…you’d think the next guy would be IT. But, for me it wasn’t. And at the end of the day, I have to know and trust that it just wasn’t meant to be.
Do I regret any of my “what-if’s”? Not for a minute. I truly believe all things happen for a reason and that God has a greater and bigger plan for my life. For the most part, I am happy with my life. I have my days…just like the rest of us, but I feel like I’m right where I need to be.
So, there you have it. My what-if’s. It was a long journey…and I didn’t even give you all the details…just hit the high points. And if you stuck with me through this whole thing, thanks…I know it was a lot…but, Ian…you asked for it! :)
In yesterday’s Monday Minute, the question was raised, “Who is your what-if person?” …to which I replied, “I could probably write a whole post on this” and then proceeded to give three of my what-if’s. Of course, my good friend Ian commented, “How's about you do a whole post about #1?” Well, nothing like a thought-provoking question…ok and a good thunderstorm…to keep you up at night.
I will say, the “what-if” road is a slippery slope to travel. Trust me…I’ve been there before. And it’s only because I feel full grounded in the “what-did” that I feel like I’m able to share my “what-if’s”. There are a few “what-if’s” that I will not explore…it would just be too painful to try to see that part of my life NOT unfolding as it did. And I’m good with that. But at the
I first must give you a little background of me. As a high school student, I didn’t have one of those “these are the best days of my life” kind of high school experience. But it wasn’t horrible either. I had one small relationship as a freshman in high school…he “dated” me until another girl caught his interest and he moved on. It really wasn’t that big of a deal and we remained friends. It was hard for me to see most of the guys in my high school as “dating” material…I had known a lot of them since 3rd grade and the ones I didn’t know, didn’t seem to know me either. It was OK. I described myself once as “the girl that doesn't care if she has a guy or not, but secretly hoping that one will notice her”. But, as it were, I spent my high school days single…and not really upset about that. I was always the good girl…following rules…never testing my parents.
I think it’s important for you to know where I came from to understand where I went…
As a college freshman, I was young…immature…vulnerable. And that’s when I met my first “what-if”. His name was Travis and as I look back on the events, I see red flags everywhere. First, he was 23 to my very young 18 - he was a 5th year senior (double major). I met him at a football game where one of his friends tried to pick a fight with a guy sitting in front of us. He was rip roaring drunk…but he paid attention to me in a way no other guy before had. I dated Travis for 10 months…in all that time, he never once gave me an ounce of hope towards any kind of commitment. We’d go strong for a while…I’d get mad…we wouldn’t speak for a couple of weeks…and then the cycle would start all over again. He completely ignored my request to “stay pure” …although, I take partial blame in that in not sticking to my guns and putting myself in the position to be taken advantage of. And once the line was crossed, there was no going back. By that point, I had become a different person…not caring that I had made this major breach in the commitment to myself. And things finally came to a grinding halt the week before I was to move back for my sophomore year. I’d been begging him to meet my family…he kept putting it off. But he’d finally agreed that he would come to Boone on moving day to meet my parents. However, the week before, I could never get in touch with him. I called numerous times…left countless messages…and all for naught. He never returned one call. OK – he did…but I was two months into school and he’d finally gotten my number from a mutual friend. However, I’d moved on at that point to what-if #2. But, what-if I hadn’t? What-if I had not gotten tired of the on again/off again status of our relationship. What-if I had trailed along for a longer period of time…just waiting for him? I’m not sure…I said the other day that I most likely would’ve ended up divorced if I’d married him. I’m not sure that it would’ve ever come to that point…I’d like to think I would come to my senses before I made such a horrible decision. But what-if he’d been Dylan’s father? Now, there’s a question…one that I think I’ll just leave hanging out there. Because, I truly believe God protected me from that happening.
After the Travis fiasco, I met what-if #2…who became Dylan’s father. Well, didn’t “become”…he IS Dylan’s father. There is no “what-if I never met him” because the only way I wouldn’t have met him is if I hadn’t returned to school that year. Because, as it turned out, Andrew was my neighbor. My sophomore year, I lived in a co-ed dorm. They were suites…but the floors were co-ed. My roommates were determined to hook someone up with one of our neighbors…and I guess they felt like I needed to get away from the caustic relationship with Travis. Enter Andrew. Andrew was a 180 from Travis. He was a “good guy”. When I found out I was pregnant, things began to disintegrate. It was then that I realized I didn’t really know Andrew. I didn’t know him the way that a person carrying his child should know him. But here’s the thing, I know looking back that if he’d asked, I would’ve married him. I would’ve made it right. He didn’t want to marry just because we were having a child…which on this side of things, I’m very thankful for. And after Dylan was a little over a year old, we began dating again for the third time…and almost did get married. And so, what-if we had married? Well, this is a path that’s hard to see as well. I probably wouldn’t be living in NC. I’d probably be a school teacher. But, would I be happy? After 15 years of knowing him, I can’t imagine that I would be. He’s not the part that completes me…our personalities don’t compliment each other at all. I’m not sure if this happened because we didn’t end up together or if this is the way it would’ve really been. Again, I’m thankful that we didn’t end up together…because I truly believe he would’ve driven me nuts.
I didn’t date for a long time after Andrew…seriously, Dylan was 6 the next time I tried the dating scene. First of all, I’m just not a “dater”…and with Dylan…I didn’t want to introduce guys in to his life without feeling like the guy would stick around. But, a friend had a friend she wanted to introduce me to. He was a police officer…hence my nickname, Policeman Dan. Dan is my biggest what-if. Mostly because he wasn’t horrible…he wasn’t mean…he didn’t have commitment issues…he didn’t have depression issues…but, after a while, he just couldn’t see us moving forward. I take a lot of the responsibility for this. I mean, I know it takes two to make a relationship work…but after Travis & Andrew, I closed myself off. It was hard to open up, and still is, and be real to anyone. I think that was the biggest thing for him…I never let him see the real, raw me. And that was most likely because I was scared of the real, raw me. But what-if I had let him in? What-if I’d been open? Would we have ended up together? What would our relationship have been like? Would we have been happy? Would we have gotten married? There was a time in my life that I thought I would have. I mean, after not dating anyone for 5 years…you’d think the next guy would be IT. But, for me it wasn’t. And at the end of the day, I have to know and trust that it just wasn’t meant to be.
Do I regret any of my “what-if’s”? Not for a minute. I truly believe all things happen for a reason and that God has a greater and bigger plan for my life. For the most part, I am happy with my life. I have my days…just like the rest of us, but I feel like I’m right where I need to be.
So, there you have it. My what-if’s. It was a long journey…and I didn’t even give you all the details…just hit the high points. And if you stuck with me through this whole thing, thanks…I know it was a lot…but, Ian…you asked for it! :)
Thursday, July 15, 2010
When is it my turn?
My work load comes and goes in waves…sometimes the waves are so huge and overwhelming that I think I will never get everything done. And then, there are days like today, were the waves are calm and there’s not much to do. Let me re-phrase that…there are things to be done…but they are tedious, mind numbing, hair pulling out tasks…so, I will put them off until I just have nothing to do.
I know I said that I had a super busy week…and I have. Each evening when I leave work, I have rushed home, picked up Dylan, changed clothes (if needed), ran around gathering last minute items and then ran out the door to Vacation Bible School. On top of that, we haven’t gotten home until 10:15ish each night…so, it’s been a crazy week. VBS has gone well…I’m teaching and the first night was rough, but from there it’s been smooth sailing. And to boot, K, one of the kids I have taught since he was 4, made a profession of faith last night. He couldn’t wait to tell me and I couldn’t be more thrilled. K is the kid that people always dread having in their classes – he has some behavioral issues – but, I enjoy him (when he’s not driving me nuts!) because he just adds so much to my class!
Also, this week has been one of increased blessings for our church! Within our church, we had 4 women due within about 3-4 weeks of each other. On Tuesday, one baby was born…and yesterday, another was born! I think (not had confirmation) that another may have been born last weekend…so, that leaves one yet to be born in early August! It’s quite a baby boom that I’m not sure we’ve seen since the year Dylan was born! The baby born on Tuesday is the result of 13 years of hopes and prayers. Truly a gift and a blessing from God!
And furthermore, I found out that two friends are pregnant. One wasn’t even trying! She has dealt with infertility issues for 11 years…she was finally able to get pregnant and carry one child to term about 5 years ago…and then they decided to do IVF…which resulted in two pregnancies, but she miscarried one. A little over a year ago, she was blessed with another little girl…and has just found out she’s pregnant again. The doctor asked her what kind of birth control she was using…she replied “11 years of infertility”! God is amazing.
I love hearing all of this wonderful news. Really, I do. I’m thrilled for friends who are blessed to increase their families…but then there’s the other side of me that wants to know “When is it my turn?”
My life has turned out nothing like I ever thought it would. I know that’s the case with almost everyone. At the age of 18…when I looked forward 10 or 15 or 20 years into my life…it didn’t resemble anything that it has turned out to be. At 18, my goals were to graduate from Appalachian State University, get a degree in Special Education, get married, and have a family. My plan derailed a little more than a year later when I found out I was pregnant with Dylan. Soon, my plan and goals changed – I would graduate from UNCG with a degree in Elementary Education, hopefully get married and have more children. I did graduate…did get the degree…chose not to teach (which is almost a whole other story in and of itself) and that’s where things have stood since 1999.
It’s hard to be in that waiting game. Too watch the days, weeks, months, years go by and still be waiting. I try to be patient. I try to be content. I truly believe God has blessed my life in so many ways. He has given me great parents – parents that I actually enjoy being around. Parents who supported me…allowed me to live with them for almost 12 years after Dylan was born. I have a wonderful sister and brother-in-law who make life fun. They have been blessed with two children, whom I love and adore and just can’t get enough of! I have a GREAT kid that I can’t imagine my life without. I have a best friend who loves me for me…and when she married, I gained another best friend that would do just about anything for me.
Yet…there’s always something missing. Always something I wish for. The companionship that I see between my parents, my sis & BIL, my BFF & her hubby. When my air went out last week, I thought, why do I have to deal with this on my own? Why do I have to be the one who calls the repair man? Why can’t I have a partner in this to share the load?
I don’t know the answers…I know that God has a plan for my life…I’ve been reminded all week of that through VBS as I’ve been teaching children that God has created us…that He cares about us…that He has a plan for our lives…a plan for good and to give us a future and a hope. I’m clinging to that promise today…
*sigh*
I’m sorry to be such a “Debbie Downer” today…just needed to get that out before I explode on someone in real life. I promise to return to my regular amount of contentment and positive thinking tomorrow.
I know I said that I had a super busy week…and I have. Each evening when I leave work, I have rushed home, picked up Dylan, changed clothes (if needed), ran around gathering last minute items and then ran out the door to Vacation Bible School. On top of that, we haven’t gotten home until 10:15ish each night…so, it’s been a crazy week. VBS has gone well…I’m teaching and the first night was rough, but from there it’s been smooth sailing. And to boot, K, one of the kids I have taught since he was 4, made a profession of faith last night. He couldn’t wait to tell me and I couldn’t be more thrilled. K is the kid that people always dread having in their classes – he has some behavioral issues – but, I enjoy him (when he’s not driving me nuts!) because he just adds so much to my class!
Also, this week has been one of increased blessings for our church! Within our church, we had 4 women due within about 3-4 weeks of each other. On Tuesday, one baby was born…and yesterday, another was born! I think (not had confirmation) that another may have been born last weekend…so, that leaves one yet to be born in early August! It’s quite a baby boom that I’m not sure we’ve seen since the year Dylan was born! The baby born on Tuesday is the result of 13 years of hopes and prayers. Truly a gift and a blessing from God!
And furthermore, I found out that two friends are pregnant. One wasn’t even trying! She has dealt with infertility issues for 11 years…she was finally able to get pregnant and carry one child to term about 5 years ago…and then they decided to do IVF…which resulted in two pregnancies, but she miscarried one. A little over a year ago, she was blessed with another little girl…and has just found out she’s pregnant again. The doctor asked her what kind of birth control she was using…she replied “11 years of infertility”! God is amazing.
I love hearing all of this wonderful news. Really, I do. I’m thrilled for friends who are blessed to increase their families…but then there’s the other side of me that wants to know “When is it my turn?”
My life has turned out nothing like I ever thought it would. I know that’s the case with almost everyone. At the age of 18…when I looked forward 10 or 15 or 20 years into my life…it didn’t resemble anything that it has turned out to be. At 18, my goals were to graduate from Appalachian State University, get a degree in Special Education, get married, and have a family. My plan derailed a little more than a year later when I found out I was pregnant with Dylan. Soon, my plan and goals changed – I would graduate from UNCG with a degree in Elementary Education, hopefully get married and have more children. I did graduate…did get the degree…chose not to teach (which is almost a whole other story in and of itself) and that’s where things have stood since 1999.
It’s hard to be in that waiting game. Too watch the days, weeks, months, years go by and still be waiting. I try to be patient. I try to be content. I truly believe God has blessed my life in so many ways. He has given me great parents – parents that I actually enjoy being around. Parents who supported me…allowed me to live with them for almost 12 years after Dylan was born. I have a wonderful sister and brother-in-law who make life fun. They have been blessed with two children, whom I love and adore and just can’t get enough of! I have a GREAT kid that I can’t imagine my life without. I have a best friend who loves me for me…and when she married, I gained another best friend that would do just about anything for me.
Yet…there’s always something missing. Always something I wish for. The companionship that I see between my parents, my sis & BIL, my BFF & her hubby. When my air went out last week, I thought, why do I have to deal with this on my own? Why do I have to be the one who calls the repair man? Why can’t I have a partner in this to share the load?
I don’t know the answers…I know that God has a plan for my life…I’ve been reminded all week of that through VBS as I’ve been teaching children that God has created us…that He cares about us…that He has a plan for our lives…a plan for good and to give us a future and a hope. I’m clinging to that promise today…
*sigh*
I’m sorry to be such a “Debbie Downer” today…just needed to get that out before I explode on someone in real life. I promise to return to my regular amount of contentment and positive thinking tomorrow.
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