Thursday, July 15, 2010

When is it my turn?

My work load comes and goes in waves…sometimes the waves are so huge and overwhelming that I think I will never get everything done. And then, there are days like today, were the waves are calm and there’s not much to do. Let me re-phrase that…there are things to be done…but they are tedious, mind numbing, hair pulling out tasks…so, I will put them off until I just have nothing to do.

I know I said that I had a super busy week…and I have. Each evening when I leave work, I have rushed home, picked up Dylan, changed clothes (if needed), ran around gathering last minute items and then ran out the door to Vacation Bible School. On top of that, we haven’t gotten home until 10:15ish each night…so, it’s been a crazy week. VBS has gone well…I’m teaching and the first night was rough, but from there it’s been smooth sailing. And to boot, K, one of the kids I have taught since he was 4, made a profession of faith last night. He couldn’t wait to tell me and I couldn’t be more thrilled. K is the kid that people always dread having in their classes – he has some behavioral issues – but, I enjoy him (when he’s not driving me nuts!) because he just adds so much to my class!

Also, this week has been one of increased blessings for our church! Within our church, we had 4 women due within about 3-4 weeks of each other. On Tuesday, one baby was born…and yesterday, another was born! I think (not had confirmation) that another may have been born last weekend…so, that leaves one yet to be born in early August! It’s quite a baby boom that I’m not sure we’ve seen since the year Dylan was born! The baby born on Tuesday is the result of 13 years of hopes and prayers. Truly a gift and a blessing from God!

And furthermore, I found out that two friends are pregnant. One wasn’t even trying! She has dealt with infertility issues for 11 years…she was finally able to get pregnant and carry one child to term about 5 years ago…and then they decided to do IVF…which resulted in two pregnancies, but she miscarried one. A little over a year ago, she was blessed with another little girl…and has just found out she’s pregnant again. The doctor asked her what kind of birth control she was using…she replied “11 years of infertility”! God is amazing.

I love hearing all of this wonderful news. Really, I do. I’m thrilled for friends who are blessed to increase their families…but then there’s the other side of me that wants to know “When is it my turn?”

My life has turned out nothing like I ever thought it would. I know that’s the case with almost everyone. At the age of 18…when I looked forward 10 or 15 or 20 years into my life…it didn’t resemble anything that it has turned out to be. At 18, my goals were to graduate from Appalachian State University, get a degree in Special Education, get married, and have a family. My plan derailed a little more than a year later when I found out I was pregnant with Dylan. Soon, my plan and goals changed – I would graduate from UNCG with a degree in Elementary Education, hopefully get married and have more children. I did graduate…did get the degree…chose not to teach (which is almost a whole other story in and of itself) and that’s where things have stood since 1999.

It’s hard to be in that waiting game. Too watch the days, weeks, months, years go by and still be waiting. I try to be patient. I try to be content. I truly believe God has blessed my life in so many ways. He has given me great parents – parents that I actually enjoy being around. Parents who supported me…allowed me to live with them for almost 12 years after Dylan was born. I have a wonderful sister and brother-in-law who make life fun. They have been blessed with two children, whom I love and adore and just can’t get enough of! I have a GREAT kid that I can’t imagine my life without. I have a best friend who loves me for me…and when she married, I gained another best friend that would do just about anything for me.

Yet…there’s always something missing. Always something I wish for. The companionship that I see between my parents, my sis & BIL, my BFF & her hubby. When my air went out last week, I thought, why do I have to deal with this on my own? Why do I have to be the one who calls the repair man? Why can’t I have a partner in this to share the load?

I don’t know the answers…I know that God has a plan for my life…I’ve been reminded all week of that through VBS as I’ve been teaching children that God has created us…that He cares about us…that He has a plan for our lives…a plan for good and to give us a future and a hope. I’m clinging to that promise today…


I’m sorry to be such a “Debbie Downer” today…just needed to get that out before I explode on someone in real life. I promise to return to my regular amount of contentment and positive thinking tomorrow.


Rachel said...

I TOTALLY get where you are coming from. I see all my friends getting married and having relationships and having kids, and I just want to say, "hi God, it's me, Rachel. Have you forgotten about me?" I take peace in knowing that God knows the desires of my heart. I just have to be patient (not one of my better qualities!!) :)

Melissa said...

It's totally okay. It feels good to get things off your chest, and it's not good or healthy to keep it in. Also, no one likes people who are CONTANTLY chipper (at least I don't think people like that). I like people who are real... and to be real involves some "downs." good luck with the ups!

AubreyRose @ My Simple Everyday said...

Aww.. don't feel blue. Your time will come and it sounds like you have wonderful support from your friends and family that you shouldn't worry about not having that special companion yet. You sound like you have such a fulfilled life, you are blessed in many way! My hubs and I recently got married and are trying to conceive for a few months now, but it's hard when it doesn't happen right away. Our time will come, I'm sure of it! Found you through Friendly Friday Follow!

Michelle Pixie said...

I think you have to just put it out there what you want and then not stress over it anymore. It will happen when you are least expecting it! And it will happen! ;-)