Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Pour your heart out: What am I waiting for?

I've been rolling this post around in my head for the past half hour...and then I logged onto blogger and realized it was Pour Your Heart Out day.  And boy, do I need to pour my heart out!



There are days, like today, that I just want to be married.  The pull is so strong that I don't even quite understand it.  I just want this season to move on.  Sometimes, I look around me...and it seems like everyone's lives are moving and changing...and then mine just seems to plod along...same pace...same old same old.  And I don't like it.  In fact, I hate it.  The feeling wears on me...and wears me down...until I find myself fighting back tears.

The funny thing is...I'm not what you would call a sympathetic person.  I don't coddle people.  I don't tell you your hair looks nice because I know you just got it cut and I want to feed your ego a bit.  I'm one of those people who tells others - if you don't like your situation, do something about it.  Don't like your career?  Find a new one.  Don't like your hairstyle?  Find a new one. 

I can preach it like nobody's business...but do I take my own advice.

no

And why not? 

fear

Fear has held me back for so long.  I know it has a grip on me...I know it as plain as I know that my hair and my eyes are brown.  Some of my fears are valid...

I fear that I'm moving out of God's will for my life.  This one's a biggy.  I've always prayed and hoped and wanted to feel like when God was ready for me to meet 'that guy', He would put him in my life.  Which leads me to my next fear...

What if I'm NOT following God's will?  What if I'm supposed to be doing more to make this happen? 

And then there's the fear that I will meet a great guy, get caught up in it all...only to find myself hurt in the end and back to square one.  And that I will bring Dylan along on this ride leading to hurt...

There's always that fear that I will NEVER meet 'that guy'...

And the fear that if I put myself 'out there', that I will meet a creep.

The almost desperation in my life tends to do battle with the fear from time to time...and I think, what about online match ups?  I've read about a lot of people who met their mate on line...I have a good friend who did...but that brings in a whole other fear...but relating back to the "creep" fear.

So, what am I waiting for?

For the fear to dissipate...

For the desperation to take hold...or maybe not...

For God to move in this area of my life...or to tell me where to go...

And as always...I'm just waiting for the guy...the one that completes me...the one that is the "cheese to my macaroni"*...

*quote is from Juno

11 comments:

Jen said...

Ah, I love this post Jenn. It's so honest and vulnerable - in a good way.

I'm with you in wondering if my life's going in the direction it's meant to, but I guess we just have to have faith that it is.

We're just two Jen/Jenns wishing, hoping, and praying for the cheese (to our macaroni, haha).

Michelle Pixie said...

You my friend are already complete and you do not need a man to do this for you...he will be a great compliment to your life. But you are an amazing woman! I admire your honesty more than you will ever know and I know you will find him/he will find you. Throw caution to the wind and put yourself out there! xxoo

Marie said...

Hi there...came by from The Things I Can't Say Wednesday meme...I'm your newest follower.

A very honest post that comes straight from the heart. I think a lot of younger folk think like that at some point in their lives. I do all the time. I just take things one step at a time and set small attainable goals along the way.
My very best wishes to you and yours.

Marie
The Things We Find Inside

purseblogger said...

I totally know how you feel. It is so hard. You are a great girl and like Michelle said, you are complete, your man will only compliment you. I have no doubt you will find him someday soon. He is one lucky guy.

Shell said...

You sound like you really know yourself- which is much further along than most people are when they get married- so you are a step ahead. Sending prayers that you will have peace about God's plan for you.

Rachel said...

We quite possibly could be the same person. Maybe it's a Brown Eyed girl connection. I actually emailed my friend Martha today about this EXACT SAME THING!! It seems everyone I know is married or getting married. I've been told for years now "you are next" but it hasn't happened.

For a while now I've been praying for "him". But not like that. I've been praying for what he's doing now, what struggles he might be going through, what's going on in his life, etc. Even though I don't know him, he will be part of my life one day. I want to pray for him as early as I can.

I know God has a plan, I just wish I had a sneak peak at what it was.

Are you SURE you don't want to move to Texas? It's a lot of fun, we would have the best conversations!! I can already tell!! :)

Have a blessed day!!

:)
Rach

Stephanie, Dance Trance Winston Salem said...

Thank you for being honest, and all your fears are valid and should have a voice, however, don't give them any actual power or control over your decisions. It's always so hard to know if we are in God's will, it's not like most of us can audibly hear him. I mostly just try and give myself enough me time to figure out if I can feel His peace, if I can't then I need to reevaluate.

P.S. Try online dating, if nothing else, it will be GREAT practice in dealing with those fears.

Brandi said...

I agree 100% with Michelle. I can't really give you any words of wisdom b/c I found my 'person' at a very young age and as corny as it sounds, I knew it the minute I saw him.

My younger brother has been alone most of his adult life. A few dates here or there, but never an actual girlfriend. He just turned 35 and he met a girl online a year and a half ago and I'm pretty sure they're going to get married (and she's only a little creepy ~ HAHA, KIDDING).

Hang in there. I will be praying you find your person. ;)

Cortney Lyon said...

Here is my thought and practice about God's will- although we may take a detour now and again, we will always end up where He wants us to be...the road there just changes every now and then. My moto is 'Everything happens for a rreason' and you can't fight it or fear it. Even the horrible/ tragic events that occur in our lives serve a purpose in the greater scheme of things- so maybe you have to meet a creep or two first so that when Mr. Right does come along he'll be easier to spot!

Sorry- didn't mean to get so deep with that one- but you were so honest I thought I should be too. Smiley Face!

shortmama said...

I know it sounds so cliche but it will happen when you least expect it. At the moment I said "ok thats it Im done with all this dating stuff!" I found Levi...11 years ago! I had to go through many creeps...but I think it helped me to realize all the things I really wanted. And when I met Levi I knew he was it

Sarah said...

Yuck...that's a hard place to be. It's easy not to take your own advice though, I do that too!!! I hope that you find peace soon!